The Bringer

Eugene, OR — A team of archaeologists has broken ground on the burial site of ancient Neanderthals, and has uncovered shocking evidence that not only did our biological predecessors have open mics, but that those open mics sucked just as much as they do today.

“We were completely astonished by our findings,” remarked Dr. Jennifer Lindgren, President of The University of Oregon’s school of Biology. “To know that comedy, bad comedy, goes back so far opens doors for the study of evolution. I mean, we found a rock with primitive markings whose meaning we deduced was, ‘Have you heard about this fire stuff?’ Twenty-thousand years old and it’s still cringe-worthy!”

Perhaps the most profound discovery made by Lindgren’s team was the well-preserved remains of one particular troglodyte, whom scientists are now referring to as “Burtza”.

“The information we have been able to gather from ‘Burtza’ alone is incredible,” said Lawrence Cornblatt, a student of Dr. Lindgren who was present for the excavation. “We know that he was of medium height, that he had no offspring, and that his contributions to the group he was in were little to none. He seems to have served virtually no purpose other than being terribly unfunny.”

Comedians and comedy fans around the globe have reacted to the news with mixed feelings; some folks are thrilled with the discoveries, while others are more skeptical of the science behind them.

“Personally, I’d like to see some more information,” proclaimed Dale Schatz, open mic comic and Bill Engvall super-fan. “There is a lot of evidence to prove that the open mics we run don’t suck. Now they say we’ve sucked for thousands of years? You mean to tell me this stuff has been annoying and dumb since the dawn of man? I just have my doubts.”

Shortly after his remains were discovered, “Burtza” became the subject of some harsh scrutiny for a joke in which he used an offensive slur to refer to hunter-gatherers.

By Tyler Dark.

Houston, TX — Local comedy patron Eric Graves decided to put himself at the mercy of a global pandemic last night by going out to listen to his friend, comedian Bryan Cohen, perform a recycled and unrevised set at Paddy’s Dive Bar.

“So is anyone here on Tinder? I am, because the alternative is jerking off eight times a day,” said Cohen to an audience that placed their safety and well-being in jeopardy so they could watch him perform. “I don’t think I’m doing well on the app though, because now I’m jerking off nine times a day.”

Graves, despite hearing this joke countless times before COVID-19 began ravaging the nation, let out a hearty laugh in response. “That’s a classic Cohen bit,” said Graves. “Glad he decided to keep that in his tight five, in addition to his story about getting high for the first time. He hasn’t written much new stuff, but it was still worth chancing a slow and painful death to come out and support my buddy.”

Most of the performers on the show felt as though they were providing the public with an invaluable service: brightening a scary and uncertain world with racist rants and sexual exploits.

“Our job as comedians is more important now than it’s ever been. Times are rough, so I want to be there to spread joy and laughter to everyone,” said Cohen, who spent most of his set awkwardly fumbling through his notes to remember a setlist that he hasn’t changed in two years. “If anyone ends up getting sick from coming tonight, at least I know that I worked hard to give them a great time.”

When asked about the potential risks of contracting COVID-19 from attending an indoor comedy show, Graves simply shrugged and said, “I think at the end of the day, it’s worth coming out to see the hilarious performers who have been working hard on their craft while in quarantine. Besides, I’ve gotten to know Bryan pretty well. He’d make sure that I stayed safe. He really values my time.”

After the show, Cohen gave Graves a hearty bro-hug and quickly thanked him for coming out before leaving to check himself into the nearest hospital.

By Peter Clark-Deutsch.

Chicago, IL — Open mic host and ten-year bar show veteran Alex Evans has spent the last decade asking uninterested families, bar patrons, and other comedians to “give it up”. But now, he’s realized that maybe he should take his own advice, and has decided to “give it up” himself.

“I guess you could say I saw the light,” recounted Evans, as he stared at what could be made of his reflection in a dirty dive bar bathroom mirror. “I added it up, and I’ve spent 228 hours of the last six months telling people to give it up. Maybe I should’ve been telling myself to give it up all along. Also, it would be nice to take a shit in a bathroom where six people weren’t stabbed.”

Jack Richardson, owner of Jack’s Chili Shack, where Evans held his open mic every Wednesday for ten years, had some interesting insight regarding the comic’s decision.

“We had a fucking open mic here?” Richardson asked while clutching a burger slider. “Shit, I completely forgot. I honestly thought those guys were one of those men’s church groups, so I never paid them much mind. Whatever, we’ll probably just get some other alcoholic to host it. What comedian is gonna turn down a ten-dollar payday?”

Comics throughout the Chicago comedy circuit also had some thoughts of their own about Evans choosing to “give it up”.

“Alex? I think I tried to bang his girlfriend once, but I’m not sure,” said Fred Wilson, a comic who appeared frequently on Evans’ open mic. “Anyway, we gave it up for him for a long time, and now it’s time for him to… you know what, it wasn’t his girlfriend. He doesn’t have a girlfriend.”

At the time of reporting, Evans was driving his ‘03 Ford Taurus into the night, in hopes of pursuing his true, lifelong dream of being a karaoke DJ.

By Kurt Ryan.

St. Paul, MN — Stand-up comedian Byron Klode has chosen to shun the glitz and glamour that comes with being a successful stage performer, and has decided instead to merely devote himself to stand-up comedy for “the love of the craft”. Coincidentally, and perhaps to his advantage, no one is currently interested in paying for his dog-shit comedy anyway.

“Too many comics get bogged down by commercialization,” the untalented Klode recently told The Bringer. “That’s why I’m so grateful that bookers respect me enough to never offer me a paid gig. They know me well enough to know that’s not what I’m interested in. I’d rather avoid all that and just focus on creativity.”

Specializing mainly in what he calls “abstract” and “alternative comedy”, Klode has developed a performance style that pushes the limits of what art can say about society. In addition, he guarantees that his often unclear message is never cheapened, by being so bad at stand-up comedy that it never earns him any income.

“I mean, sure he’s weird. Definitely the only comedian I’ve seen bring a package of raw meat on stage,” comedy patron Shelia Daniel told us. “But he’s also just not very funny. It’s admirable when an artist can choose morality over profit, but can you really brag about not selling out when no one would pay you anyway?”

Several sources who attended an open mic where Klode recently performed were also able to confirm that his total non-desire to make any money doing comedy is evident when he is on stage.

“No doubt, this Byron guy is never gonna make any money doing that shit,” said Lester Cambry, whose dinner was interrupted by Klode’s act. “I asked someone there if he expected to make a living doing this, and I was so relieved when they said no. This kid was born to not make money.”

Since speaking with The Bringer, Klode announced that he will also no longer be performing comedy in front of an audience, so that he doesn’t risk being “paid in exposure”.

By Mike Moran.

Garnet Valley, PA — A recent outdoor open mic, hosted by members of Substandard Comedy Collective, was disrupted suddenly when several nearby geese began relentlessly heckling the comedians onstage.

“I’ve been heckled before, but I never met a drunk asshole who was louder than these damn geese,” recalled Kiana Lawrence, Substandard Comedy co-founder and budding anti-waterfowl advocate. “It’s hard enough doing stuff like this outdoors, which we’ve had to do more and more with the Coronavirus, but then you add endless honking? It was unbearable. Those stupid geese ruined the show.”

Attendees of the open mic were also less than pleased by the unannounced arrival of the geese, who seemed to have had no intention of enjoying or participating in the show.

“I don’t want to say that all geese are pieces of shit, but everyone there hated these fuckers,” said Colby Bronner, who picked up his lawn chair and left the show thirty minutes after it started. “Eventually, I had had enough and decided to walk out. If it hadn’t been for the honking, I’d have probably stayed ten, fifteen more minutes. But it was all gaggle and no giggle, as they say.”

Man Honk, an individual who looks suspiciously like several geese disguised as a person, was quick to defend to flock of hecklers.

“Those comics sucked! Not funny, and they didn’t bring bread,” squawked Honk, as he quickly hid his feathered fingers in the pockets of his trench coat. “Fifteen so-called comedians, not a slice of bread between them. Now that’s a joke! You come to our neighborhood, you bring bread. I don’t make the rules, I just aggressively enforce them.”

Substandard Comedy plans to continue its outdoor open mic series when the impolite geese migrate north to Canada, where they intend to heckle the Just For Laughs festival.

By Tyler Dark.

New Orleans, LA — Aspiring comedian and community college dropout Kevin Murphy signed up for his first open mic this week. Although his jokes have never been heard by an audience, they have caused quite a commotion in the Murphy household since his set list was discovered by his parents, who could not tell if they were reading jokes or a manifesto, as the penis-related material it contained was visibly written in anger.

“We would never have approved of him trying to do comedy if we had known what comedy had become in recent years,” said Melissa Murphy, Kevin’s mother and avid fan of Big Bang Theory. “He wrote ‘Women should still fuck me!’ five times in a row, followed by ‘CLOSER’ in parenthesis. Do people really think this stuff is funny? Because I just think it’s upsetting.”

The 34-year-old has since been grounded by his parents, and will be confined to his bedroom, which is also the basement, on the night of the open mic where he was slated to debut his jokes. While he expressed displeasure toward the circumstances, he acknowledged that it was not all bad.

“I honestly think this might be a sign that the world isn’t ready for my comedy,” confessed Murphy as he licked Cheeto dust from his forefinger. “I mean, some of the stuff is a little dark, like my bit about jerking off at a funeral home. But it’s groundbreaking, and probably a little before its time. Plus, my parents would hate to see me skyrocket to fame, ‘cause then I’d have to move out!”

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” interrupted his father Al, who stormed into the room the second he heard his son’s remarks. “We want so desperately to see him gone, and I don’t care that he’s sitting right there. If those bizarre, heavily phallic musings he calls jokes are how he plans to make something of himself, I’m afraid he’s going to be here forever.”

While the majority of Murphy’s jokes are completely unfit to be read by anyone under any circumstances, the ones that were okay can be seen on Anthony Jeselnik’s latest special, Fire In The Maternity Ward, where he stole them from.

By Kurt Ryan.

Staten Island, NY — The city’s comedy scene has tragically lost one of its own: Jimmy Cantonelli, a comedian from Staten Island, who succumbed to pneumonia last Thursday morning. He was surrounded by family and close friends, who claim that just before he passed, he “saw the light”, and assumed he had about one to two minutes left of being alive.

“Jimmy was one of a kind,” reminisced Goldy Vargas, longtime friend of Cantonelli and owner of Slap-Me-Silly’s Comedy Club in Brooklyn. “Always respectful, arrived for shows early and never went over his time. It didn’t surprise me at all when I heard he saw the light we will all see before succumbing to Death’s embrace, and checked out exactly 90 seconds later. That’s just the kind of guy he was.”

In addition to a traditional memorial service, there will also be a showcase dedicated to Cantonelli’s memory, featuring talent from all over New York City. Many of the comedians on the lineup credit the late comic as an early influence.

“If you’ve been in the New York club circuit long enough, you’ve heard of Jimmy Cantonelli,” remarked Johnny Cortovelli, one of the comics slated to perform on the showcase. “He was the guy who just knew exactly when to shut up and leave. And nobody could give a nod to the host like Jimmy. His jokes were alright, but that nod was top-notch. I’ll bet he nodded like that to the Grim Reaper himself.”

While Cantonelli’s family declined to comment, they will be announcing a funeral date very soon, and were able to confirm the rumor that the deceased comic’s final words were, “That’s my time, you guys have been great!”

By Tyler Dark.

Raleigh, NC — The “Women Be Shopping” comedy showcase kicked off in the clearance section of Home Goods to boisterous reception. The stage was fully decked in garden gnomes, as well as oversized decorative house plants, with harsh LED lighting that stung the retinas of those present.

Master of ceremonies and widely unrecognized vlogger, Mandy McDonald (of “Don’t Call Me Karen” fame), greeted the crowd with as much enthusiasm as the mother of an 8th grade boy could muster. The energy was palpable, and the “Am I Right?” punchlines were aplenty.

“I just think it’s super neat that I can come to a Ross’ Home Goods and hear jokes that make me laugh with my whole belly, while shopping for shapewear that covers my whole belly!” remarked Shelia Turnblad of Holly Springs. “See, even I have jokes! Women ARE funny!”

The festivities continued as the all white, all cis-het female lineup took the stage with reckless abandonment that screamed, “Oh no, she didn’t!”; the comediennes bravely tackled issues like Go-Gurt emergencies, and Wrangler jeans, while reminding the crowd that their sister store, Marshall’s, is having a sale on ladies swimwear. And while this show may not have shattered any glass ceilings, there were plenty of deals on glass top coffee tables.

The comedy showcase was originally set to take place over the weekend, but was later rescheduled, so as to not interfere with little league practice. The next leg of the tour will bring these ladies to venues like Bed, Bath, & Beyond, with dates TBD because, well, little league. So get ready, gas up that minivan, and head on over to the “Women be Shopping” comedy showcase, wherever and whenever they decide to have it next!

By Ashley Ruark.

Beloit, WI — A local comedy fan caused quite a stir during a showcase at Spicy Dave’s Wing Shack last Tuesday; Beloit resident Allen Stewart, who has never performed comedy in his life, managed to make more of a profit than headlining comedian, Jordan “Laugh Man” Crawl, simply by charging his mobile device at the venue.

“I asked the bartender if it was cool for me to charge my phone on the socket by the touchscreen TV in the corner,” said Stewart of what has since been recognized as a brilliant business move. “Since I was without a phone for a few minutes, I decided to watch the comedian who was next to the Big Buck Hunter machine. I guess I left it there for a while, and now all of sudden, these amateur comedians are asking me for financial advice.”

Headliner “Laugh Man“, who insisted upon being referenced by his stage name, was less than enthused about the pay difference. “A comedian of my caliber should be compensated respectfully,” he declared. “After all, I’m the one who opened for Screech 11 years ago. And I’m pretty sure one of the jokes in Amy Schumer’s latest special was inspired by something I tweeted in 2012.”

However, “Laugh Man” did make a point to clarify that his resentment is towards Spicy Dave’s, and not Stewart. “Hey, I understand the only reason his phone was fully charged is because he was captivated by my performance. If I can inspire another artist, that’s what matters most.”

Of the performance, Stewart told The Bringer, “it was the most uncomfortable I have ever been in a social setting. This ‘Laugh Man’ guy went on a 10-minute rant about how he flirts with women at the gym by telling them which body parts they should be working on. Then he told some random man in the audience he looked like a lesbian. Nothing about it even resembled what I’d call comedy.”

Stewart has garnered local fame among artists and performers seeking money-making tips and financial guidance. “I really have no idea how that world works. I’m actually just a cable-installer,” he professed wisely. “But I suppose you could save a few dollars by ordering a water with extra lemon, and a few sugar packets, instead of a tea drink. Or maybe try not to go ‘number 2’ all day until you get to the venue. That way, you save money on TP.”

While Spicy Dave’s representatives were unavailable for comment, sources confirmed that they have fired the bartender who let Stewart charge his phone, and that they are now filing for bankruptcy.

By Mike Moran.

Ellicott City, MD — Local stand-up comic and producer, Tyler Fordham, has learned the dangers of mixing business with pleasure, and has decided to stop humping the stool he brings on stage with him before things start getting too serious.

“It started off as something casual,” claimed Fordham. “I was in the middle of a bit one night, and I decided to hump the stool a few times. No big deal. Hell, I am pretty sure a couple of my buddies humped it the same night, and it didn’t even bother me. But humping became caressing, which led to some late-night texts. Then the wet dreams started, and I knew I was in over my head.”

Humping the stool is a longtime tradition for comics whose material requires imitating a sexual act to be funny. It is up to them to draw the line before feelings get involved, and that can prove to be difficult, according to Howie Schelt, a lifelong Baltimorean and comedian of over 40 years.

“I remember working The Bust-A-Gut Club back in ‘89,” reminisced Shelt. “They had a stool there that made all the guys crazy. A couple of ‘em damn near fell in love with that stool, couldn’t stop humpin’ it to save their lives. It’s tricky business to start humpin’, you never know what it could lead to.”

Some comics have made a conscious decision to completely refrain from stool-humping, like Jon Poynter, a close friend of Fordham, who identifies as a “stool-celibate comedian”.

“Stool-celibacy is all about willpower,” explained Poynter loudly, as he used his hand to guard himself from the tantalizing view of a nearby stool. “That’s what I had to explain to Tyler – you cant let the burning desire to connect your pelvis to that stool distract you from what’s important: your jokes about sex and weed.”

While Fordham claims to be on the mend, and to have a sexual partner who is animate, an anonymous source claims he recently got an apartment with a rather voluptuous mic stand.

By Tyler Dark.