The Bringer

Ithaca, NY — Tensions have been high in the McDowell house recently, due the sudden discovery made by Susan McDowell that her atheist son Luke is a standup comedian.

“I just don’t understand what went wrong,” Mrs. McDowell wrote to the advice section of a local editorial. “I raised Luke to have God in his heart, but there is one thing about my atheist son that is utterly godless: standup comedy. I pray every night that he sees the error of his ways, and returns to just being a person who resents the religion he grew up with.”

Luke spoke candidly about the rift in his and his mother’s relationship after an open mic at Johnny’s Tavern this past weekend.

“She wrote to the advice column in the paper?” he asked eagerly. “I am totally gonna rip on her in my new bit for doing that. My mom is always giving me shit. Even though she has no objection whatsoever to my lack of faith in a higher power, she recites verses from the New Testament when I try to tell her about a gig.”

McDowell has no current plans to quit doing comedy, but he says he understands that his mother is from a different era, and he still loves her regardless of their ensuing disagreement.

“Look, I get it,” he allowed, while taking a break from watching a recent video of himself. “She can’t grasp that all I am doing is telling amazing jokes. But if she sees my jokes on religion as truth, you’d think she’d be more concerned whether I actually bury drifters under my oak tree. ’Cause no one will miss them, right? Get it?”

While Susan still prays nightly for Luke to find his way into a less controversial career, she admits that he does have a knack for public speaking, and thinks he would make a great priest.

By Michael Williams.

Friends of David Richardson agreed unanimously this Tuesday that while they were troubled by their friend’s drinking habits, they were also too drunk to confront him about it.

“He’s out of control,” remarked Marsha Ng, a friend of Richardson, while finishing her fourth shot in as many minutes. “He’s up on stage slurping his…slurting his…getting his words wrong. I’m sick of just standing by, watching this happen. Next week I’m absolutely going to say something.”

Other sources claim that Richardson’s behavior has gotten increasingly inappropriate in recent weeks, alleging that he “had to be dragged off stage last week”, “passed out in one of the booths”, and “totally pissed himself.” They all agreed that they need to stage an intervention, but some of them expressed concerns that this was not the night for it.

After a brief discussion, the intervention was tentatively scheduled for next week, at the open mic, on the condition that that Richardson arrived relatively early.

“It just feels inappropriate,” sighed Clair Haffotser. “You can’t let a guy pay for your first four drinks, and then turn around and suddenly do an intervention on him. It’s just not done. Plus I am absolutely counting on him to buy me more drinks, which he’s less likely to do if I’m pleading with him to change his lifestyle.”

“We all know Dave has a drinking problem,” said Terry Gertz, Richardson’s close friend and fellow open mic comedian. “And of course we need to talk to him about it. But if he shows up halfway through the mic, after I’ve already had eight beers….I mean my hands are tied here.”

The possibility of holding an intervention someplace other than a bar, before or after an open mic, was raised and then quickly dismissed.

“I wish I could, but I don’t have time,” said Jacob Solomon, best known for a viral video where he replaced all the dialogue in a scene from Love, Actually with fart noises. “I have to do 43 mics a week to keep my craft up. I just don’t have the time to take a night off to have an intervention for a friend.”

By Danny Rathbun.

Erie, PA — Amateur stand-up comedian Eric Steffano recently learned that there is no confidentiality in comedy, as he began his set proclaiming, “I know that therapy could help, but screaming obscenities on stage is cheaper.”

Steffano proceeded to say to an audience that, unbeknownst to him, included his ex-wife’s attorney, “Since quarantine, I’ve spent my time day drinking. I’m not homeschooling my kids! Those teachers need to get off their Zooms and back into the classrooms.”

While doctors, therapists, and other medical professionals must maintain confidentiality under HIPAA, an open mic audience on a Tuesday night in your local bar is not bound by privacy restrictions. Child custody officers, employers, ex-wives, and even your mom can quickly learn of the things you admit on stage and use it against you.

“And you know how when you are at work, and day after day, customers ask you the same fucking question and you just want to grab them by their ears and shake them,” Eric continued, in what became an obscenity filled tirade about the inner monologue that continuously plays in his head while he is working.

The next day, Eric was disciplined at work for participating in activities that reflect negatively on the integrity of his employer. The very same afternoon, a motion was filed with the Erie County Family Court to limit visitations with his children, so that Eric no longer has them on days where he would be responsible for facilitating distance learning.

Eric’s ex-wife’s attorney did get a chuckle from his set however, summing up the situation saying, “Had Eric spent time on a therapist’s couch, instead of a on a stool on stage, he would have had a safe, confidential, and HIPAA-protected place to deal with his issues.”

By Aaron Stephens

Novi, MI – Local comic Troy George has alerted the comedy scene and the public that the comedy/poetry open mic at Big Daddy’s Steakshop is dangerously close to accidentally becoming a poetry/comedy open mic.

“We need you all to come out to the mic and perform next week, we almost had more poets than comics,” George announced in a Facebook post which has yet to receive any reactions. “And we had to bribe Josh and Lilly to perform with double drink tickets. Time to turn out and support the scene! Poetry fucking sucks!”

Event organizer and fellow stand-up comic Jarrod Roth explained the history of the mic to The Bringer, and told us how it came to its current endangered state.

“When I started this mic, it was only comedy and that was great,” Roth said. “Then comics stopped showing up, or only showed up to drink and smoke on the patio, and we needed to add poetry to fill the time. Like, when I started this, it was all about the art of comedy. But now I’m only in it for the $15 weekly payout and a few drink tickets, which is admittedly a lot more than I was making before.”

Despite the negative press, some performers at Big Daddy’s were more optimistic about potentially upending the balance between poetry and comedy.

“The poetry scene is really coming together, and I think we are ready to be the first part of the slash,” remarked local poet Laurie Post. “And I think my parents and three roommates from college would like to see more meaningful, beautiful poetry every Tuesday with less dick jokes.”

Drew “Big Daddy” Brady, owner of Big Daddy’s Steakshop, was a bit more philosophical when discussing the topic.

“The poets scare me some, always talking about their feelings and shit,” decried Brady between bites of well-done ground beef. “But hey, if I get enough money to fix the big screen TV, we’ll just go back to showing ESPN Classic on Tuesdays. That way, everybody is happy.”

A group of local comics has formed an alliance in hopes of consistently outnumbering the poets at the open mic, which they plan to do as soon as any of them decide to try comedy.

By G. Smith.

New York, NY — With COVID-19 shutting down this year’s biggest talent scouting events, such as Just For Laughs in Montreal, the comedy industry has been forced to find other means of discovering the stars of tomorrow. Recently, casting directors at Saturday Night Live have taken to a “reverse vetting” process, through which interns closely monitor Twitter in hopes of discovering the next average white male comedian with a shitload of skeletons in his closet.

SNL Talent Executive Andi Green pointed to Corey Strange, a comic from San Antonio, who was virtually unheard of until some particularly vile and racist tweets from his past came to light. “Corey is a real diamond in the rough,” remarked Green. “Never in a million years would he have been invited to perform in Montreal. He’s not sorry for his tweets. In fact, he doubled down, which we liked a lot. We want someone with that kind of energy, who can drag things out and make them as messy as possible.”

A review of Strange’s Twitter feed and YouTube clips unveiled that the potential cast member has checked the SNL scorecard boxes of racism, homophobia, transphobia, and ableism. When approached for comment on the controversy, he had the following response:

“If NBC tries to fire me, I’ll sit in my truck in front of the network owner’s house, chain-smoking cigarettes until that motherfucker comes out and says ‘Corey, Corey! I’m sorry, we need you! Our show sucks shit without you! You can be an anchor on Weekend Update!’ Then I’ll give that asshole the finger while I’m burning a massive donut into his front lawn, ‘Murica style!”

SNL is famously unapologetic about giving a temporary platform to comics who have performed problematic material, using them as pawns in a ratings and publicity game. Producers said that while Strange remains their frontrunner, they will continue to “reverse vet” more comic to be considered for next year’s cast.

At press time, Strange was attempting to negotiate with SNL to be paid in the cryptocurrency Dogecoin.

By Damien Wendy

South Bend, IN — During a completely improvised stroke of comedic genius, open mic regular Tyler Walters wowed the audience at Quickie’s Grill last week when he accidentally got his foot caught in the microphone cord, and turned it into a funny little bit.

“It’s one of those things you hear about, but never expect to happen to you,” recalled Walters, whose performance was lauded as an exemplary work of art by all nine guests in attendance. “I was working out a bit about peanuts I’d spent months perfecting, when I took a step forward and realized my foot was stuck in the cord. Then I made a little joke about being stuck in a lasso, and the people went wild. I didn’t know I was capable of such a brilliant move, but that’s the way it goes when you have the mind of a genius.”

Although several more comics were slated to perform after Walters that night, emcee Calvin Fowler made the decision to end the show early, claiming nobody could follow what had happened.

“We just come out once a week to try out new stuff,” claimed Fowler, who has not written a new joke in two years. “There isn’t a comic in a hundred mile radius who could have expected to see anything like what Tyler did. I knew I had to pull the plug after his set, because why try to top comedic genius? I mean, a lasso? Fucking brilliant.”

Comedy club owners all over the Midwest have been reaching out to Walters, in hopes of booking him to bring his incredible new act to their stages.

“The kid’s booked up until the end of next year,” said George Moravia, owner of The Wacky Sack in St. Louis. “If I’ve gotta refinance my house to get the ‘mic-cord miracle’ to happen on my stage, I’ll do it, damn it. Nobody’s gonna come to see Gaffigan at my club if they only have to drive an extra four hours to see the lasso bit.”

Walters’ rise to comedic stardom was stunted several nights after his legendary performance, when he was forced to perform on a showcase with a cordless mic.

By Tyler Dark.

Milton, DE — A local open mic has become the epicenter of regional culture in the few seconds it took to determine that comedian Meredith Clay has decided to bring the ukulele she has with her on stage.

“Nobody was prepared for this,” said bartender Curtis Freamon, who was present for the performance. “When I saw her come in, I thought, why would she bring a ukulele? You don’t need a ukulele to drink, and you definitely don’t need one to be funny. So you can imagine how nuts it was to see her get on stage with it. We all just sat there with bated breath.”

Host and producer Sasha Zimoti, was perhaps the most taken aback by this shocking development.

“I figured she must have been lost,” Zimoti recalled, “because one, ukuleles aren’t funny, and two, only children like playing or listening to a ukulele. But then she introduced herself as Meredith, and I realized she was on the lineup. Had I known she wasn’t going to throw the uke in the garbage before going up, I would have asked her to leave.”

The performance could be seen through window of Porkboy’s Tavern, where the open mic took place, and passers-by gathered to watch from outside when they saw what was happening.

“Shit, I stopped dead in my tracks,” said Jordan Cauley, who was walking past Porkboy’s on his way home. “There was a girl on stage with a ukulele, but the sign outside the door said ‘open mic comedy’. The dissonance was almost too much for me, I get a migraine just thinking about it.”

At press time, sources were able to confirm that although Clay brought her ukulele on stage with her, she forgot the bit it involved and never played it.

By Tyler Dark.

Stand-up comedy is a complicated art form to master, or to even try. Writing jokes and getting over stage fright are just the tip of the iceberg; then, one has to worry about delivery, timing, stage presence, and not being racist, all of which have proven to be very difficult.

One aspect of comedy that is often overlooked is proper comedic etiquette. It can be helpful to know a few of the unspoken rules of the game, because one accidental slip-up could cost you your reputation. That’s why we asked comedian Graham Phillips some tips on comedy show etiquette while he smoked a cigarette during his friend’s set.

“First off, respect the venue,” Phillips professed, just before spitting phlegm directly in front of the bar’s entrance. “Spend money and tip the bartenders, every little bit counts. I don’t perform on any shows without buying at least one drink, and tipping 20%, which is why I have to ask, do you guys have any money?”

As it turns out, many of the most important things new comedians can know about the industry are all too often lessons learned after they do something wrong. Phillips elaborated on this when he returned with his rail drink and stood by a sign that read “No Drinks Beyond This Point”.

“These kids come in and they have no clue how they’re supposed to act,” he continued, after lighting another cigarette and blowing it directly into the faces of incoming patrons. “You see them being disruptive, and you want to say something. But then you remember you were a newbie too eight months ago, and you let it slide. Oh shit, my buddy just finished up, I gotta go.”

Phillips concluded his lesson in show etiquette by putting out his cigarette on the side of the building, and bumping into people on his way inside, yelling, “Yeah! Great set!”

By Tyler Dark.

In the midst of a global pandemic, worldwide protests against police brutality, and historically high unemployment rates, the one thing that’s on everyone’s mind is unmistakably clear: female privilege in stand-up comedy. Let’s discuss it.

If a woman goes to a movie theater by herself, no one bats an eye. But whenever I, a 34-year-old man, attend a movie alone, it’s considered “violating my probation” or “masturbating in public”. It’s unfair and, sadly, a comedy career is no different: everywhere I go, I see women getting booked instead of me, on the sole basis of looks, talent, joke construction, stage presence, commitment, and professionalism.

I started performing standup comedy only three weeks ago, but does that mean a woman with far more experience and talent should get more stage time than me? My local comedy club seems to think so.

I have to leave the comfort of my own parent’s home everyday to beg the Chuckle Bakery to put me on a show, and everyday the response is the same, “You’re not ready,” or “You literally have zero jokes,” and “Why are you bleeding?” Meanwhile, they’re booking a female comedian with a highly rated comedy special, several TV credits and countless comedy competition wins under her belt. Like we all don’t see what’s going on!

Today, I asked the club why they’d book a woman instead of me, a question they described as “sexist” and “you’re literally bleeding all over the floor”. I didn’t spend several years watching Comedy 101 videos on YouTube for a booker to call me “sexist” just because I don’t think women are funny.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m an immensely open-minded person. My comedy influences consist of some of the most diverse white men the Midwest has to offer. Despite what I said about women not being funny, there are a few female comedians who’ve actually made me laugh, like Rosanne Barr and Jay Leno.

But I’m no idiot. I own over 300 books, most of which I’ve almost finished coloring. So I’m keenly aware of the fact that the only reason comedy venues are booking this particular woman is because of her looks, her well-written jokes, her uncanny ability to captivate an audience, and her all-around comedic prowess.

By Literally A. Koala

Seattle, WA — Local comedian Eloise MacNamera reportedly began writing new Tinder jokes Tuesday evening, indicating that she is preparing to break up with her current boyfriend.

“His friends go to the same bar where we have our open mic, so hopefully he doesn’t hear them,” said MacNamera. “I tried writing a few break-up jokes, but it was very obvious that they weren’t about ‘my boyfriend from college’, so I wrote some Tinder jokes instead. I was half-way into this bit about guys always holding up a fish, when I realized that I should probably get on with the whole break-up thing.”

Open mic dweller and friend of MacNamera, Jake Peterson, is thrilled for her sudden decision to shift to new material.

“She sent me one of her jokes about guys who say that they like ‘The Office’ and she’s been talking about how her boyfriend ghosted her for like four days, so I think she’s gonna dump him soon,” Peterson claimed, as he scrolled through MacNamera’s Instagram page. “Her relationship jokes were getting old, so I’m excited for her to bring back her ‘single girl’ material. It gives me hope that maybe someday, I’ll be the butt of her jokes.”

Local booker Fred Tabbaccini, who has watched MacNamera develop into an above-average open mic comic, believes that Tinder jokes are a pivotal stepping stone in her career.

“Look, if she makes it clear that she’s single, I guarantee that she’ll get booked more,” declared Tabbaccini. “Every poster needs at least one girl on it, and if she’s single, that’s an added perk for me. Plus, I’m sure that these guy comedians will laugh harder at her jokes at open mics if they think it’ll make her forget that they’re unemployed and still live with their parents.”

At press time, MacNamera announced that she plans to use the extra money she’s made from the additional bookings she’s gotten to pay for a Tinder Gold subscription.

By Erin McLaughlin.