The Bringer

Rapid City, SD — Comedian Josh Grover reportedly shut down a noisy heckler during Laughing Hole Comedy Show on Zoom with a single click of the Mute button.

“Hecklers beware, I will crush you,” proclaimed Grover, according to a post on his Instagram. “If you think you’re funny enough to step to me, think again. I will smash that Mute button so quick, you won’t know what hit you. You’ll rue the day you heckled a comedian on an online show with opposable thumbs!”

Some of the several attendees of the show had mixed opinions on Grover’s decision to silence the heckler.

“On the one hand, I’m glad to see Josh get some attention that isn’t negative for once,” said fellow open mic comedian Julia Downs. “But the heckler did seem to have some worthwhile points of criticism on the pretty stale nature of Josh’s material. I actually didn’t know you could just press a button and mute someone though. That’s pretty neat.”

Peter O’Connor, show runner of the Zoom Laughing Hole Show, expressed appreciation for Grover.

“Great to see Josh come out here and shut that heckler down,” said O’Connor. “Some performers don’t even know how to unmute themselves. I always mean to shut down assholes like that, but usually I’m out in front of my house smoking, and I end up missing the whole exchange.”

The heckler, who asked to remain anonymous, showed his displeasure with Josh’s action in a 1-star review of the show on Facebook.

“I guess this show doesn’t really care about free speech,” said heckler Dee Znots, whose request for anonymity we subsequently decided not to honor. “With this chilling PC climate in standup, I guess I’ll have to just go back to commenting on YouTube videos with a dozen or less views. At least that’s a place that respects diversity of opinions.”

Grover later remarked that he is excited for things to go back to normal, so he can try out his now-legendary “Mute button” bit on a live audience.

By G. Smith.

Manhattan, NY — Comedian and Saturday Night Live cast member Pete Davidson announced last week that there was no way he was paying $20 to stream his new film, The King of Staten Island.

“Twenty bones? No fuckin’ way, dog,” remarked Davidson to reporters through a cloud of black cherry vapor. “I could get like, ten bucks worth of loud and some dank food for that money. I mean, I worked really hard on the movie, which I dedicated to my mother and my homies, but I’ll just find a way to hack it if it’s that expensive.”

Friends of Davidson were mostly in agreement with what they consider a “fiscally conservative” business decision.

“Yo, my boy Pete’s smart as shit,” claimed Brandon “FuckParty” Chester, Davidson’s friend and personal accountant. “Check it out, right? Pete’s makin’ this much doing SNL, but other than that, he doesn’t do shit. My guy’s gotta think about how to pay for essentials, like gym shorts and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. Dude can’t be out blowin’ his money to watch his major motion picture debut, you feel me?”

SNL creator Lorne Michaels was less than pleased to hear that the show’s golden child was unwilling to muster up twenty dollars to watch his own movie.

“Let me make this clear, I am in love with Pete Davidson,” declared Michaels without being asked. “I have unabashed faith in his talent. He can ruin ten sketches and I’ll be there to cast him in an eleventh. I haven’t seen his movie, because twenty dollars? Are you kidding me? Still, in my eyes, Pete can do no wrong. He deserves to see every bit of his underwhelming, below-average work, and say to himself, ‘That’s me. I did that.’ God damn it, I love that boy.”

While nobody in their right mind is about to pay such an egregious amount of money for some immature douche bag’s side project, one anonymous source who streamed it illegally claimed that it is “basically Don Jon, but with worse tattoos.”

By Tyler Dark.

Dover, DE – Witnesses tell The Bringer that local comedian Frances Walinford was overheard at an open mic last Saturday, boasting to everyone present about the festival he had just paid $35 to enter.

“Dude, you’ve got to apply to this festival. It’s totally rad,” exclaimed Walinford in regards to the opportunity. “I did this festival once in 2015, got really lucky, and landed the 5 PM slot on the 12-hour Thursday showcase. Honestly, that’s when my career took off. Since then, I haven’t paid more than fifty bucks to perform.”

Walinford apparently spent his grocery money to submit to the Tallalaughie Comedy Festival in Tallahassee, Florida, a town where he knows absolutely no one.

“I’m just gonna wing it, man,” Walinford was overheard saying while stretching his arms out to imitate an eagle. “Sure, I don’t have a car, or any real plan of getting there and back, or even a valid legal ID, but that’s the life of a road comic! Taking it as it comes!”

Friends of Walinford were concerned when they heard he had once again applied for the festival after his stories from attending years ago.

“He kept talking about how cool Screech was to party with,” said Troy Logan, who to date has loaned Walinford over $400. “He was like, ‘dude, Dustin freakin’ Diamond asked me to pay for all the drinks we had at the second bar we went to after the show!’ I didn’t know how to tell him that nobody gives a fuck about Screech. Plus, $35 to perform? That means he’s paying each person in the audience $5. Seems backwards to me.”

Despite sleeping in a bus station, Walinford maintained that paying hundreds of dollars to do a brief set at The Tallalaughie Comedy Festival was still worth it.

“It’ll be a killer credit that’ll propel me right into space, man! First, Tallalaughie Comedy Festival 2020, then in twelve or thirteen years, maybe JFL! I’m gonna buy one of their t-shirts if I get in. Performers only have to pay $30, discounted from $40! One of the perks of being on tour!”

By Chris Hudson.

Rockville, MD — Comedian and radio personality Wanda Teller was astounded and impressed to the point of arousal, when acquaintance Jon Clymond asked her if she has ever seen The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

“I’ve never been so interested and turned on at once,” said a blushing Teller. “In the eleven years I have been writing jokes, studying past sets, applying myself, and immersing myself in the world of comedy, nobody has ever asked me that. A show on Hulu about a lady who does comedy? I’m just so glad I met, and later slept with this guy. I never would have found something like that on my own.”

Since the news of his bold move has been made public, Clymond has been overwhelmed with the amount of attention he is receiving from women everywhere.

“I like to consider myself an aficionado of comedy,” claimed Clymond. “Although I’ve never watched The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, I know it’s about a woman comedian in the 80’s or something. Not too many people are aware of that. So I knew when I mentioned it to Wanda, she’d go crazy. Can’t wait to try it out on other chicks.”

Clymond plans to use his unique knowledge of obscure, little-known television shows to continue seducing women, starting with asking another female colleague if she’s ever heard of Cheers.

By Tyler Dark.

Northampton, MA — Sources for The Bringer were able to confirm that local comic and risk taker A.J. Ryan shared his Social Security Number to an audience during an outdoor open mic at Hopper’s Sports Bar.

“Holy shit! I’ve never gotten a reaction like that,” Ryan exclaimed minutes after leaving the stage. “I feel high and shaky at the same time. Definitely keeping this new Social Security number bit in my act. Especially the line about my debit card number and expiration date, that killed!”

Several eyewitnesses said that the social distancing outdoor mic on the deck at the bar was a terrible shitshow with the crowd talking over every comic.

“A.J. came up and everyone knew he was probably going to eat shit because he sucks and nobody was paying attention,” described fellow comic Laney Singletree. “He got on the mic though and he started screaming ‘Hey! Hey! Shut up! I’m going to tell you my Social Security Number!’ It was a desperate move, but he killed.”

A viral Youtube video picks up right where Singletree’s account leaves off. In the video, Ryan says the number so fast that no one can hear it, and the audience reacts with explosive laughter.

“What? Like anybody wants to steal my identity…You can’t get blood from a stone,” Ryan can be heard exclaiming. Then, when someone in the audience asked, “What’s this asshole’s name,” Ryan responded with his full name before receiving the light. He wrapped his set up by saying, “Thank you! That was my actual Social Security Number so please don’t use it! Tip your bartender!”

At the time of reporting, Ryan was approximately $13.2 million in debt due to identity fraud, but he is hoping to pay it off with the earnings from his viral video, which currently amount to $72.91.

By Damien Wendy.

Murfreesboro, TN — In what seems like a never-ending pattern in the world of entertainment, yet another comedian is facing accusations that threaten to derail his career permanently. Photos were recently leaked to the press of what appears to be local stand up comic Terrence Eisner wearing khaki shorts onstage at in open mic in 2014.

“This is just sad,” said former Eisner fan Rich Bruce. “I had such respect for him, ever since I heard his bit about peeing on old women off of bridges. Now I’m ashamed I ever wore a ‘Urine Trouble, Grandma’ t-shirt. He is beyond unprofessional. Show a little respect for your audience, you know?”

In an industry which is no stranger to scandal, Eisner’s alleged actions stand out as particularly shameful, leaving many longing for the old days of comedy, when one could attend a show, have a drink, and watch an entertainer make every woman in the room uncomfortable.

“I come to a stand up show to have a few laughs at the expense of those who are already marginalized and bullied, not to be exposed to the site of someone’s knees,” declared comedy patron Kevin Ginbell. “I mean, if we allow shorts, what’s next? Other things of little to no consequence, that are only the norm because of some outdated sense of fashion? Not on my watch!”

Several organizations are stripping Eisner of awards, and honors, like Phil’s Haha Shop, where Eisner was once awarded the coveted Making Rascism Funny Award. He has also had his photo removed from his once-revered performance at Transphobia-Palloza, ‘15.

Reached for comment, Eisner’s only comment was, “I have made grave mistakes in the past, and am truly sorry for anyone I may have hurt. I hope you will accept my apology and allow me to continue my pursuit of making people smile and laugh, and also my harassing of female comedians. That is what I love.”

While many would consider the discovery of once having worn shorts on stage a career-ending faux pas, Eisner is confident he has the lack of basic human decency to pull through and someday rejoin the comedy world.

By Mike Moran.

Asheville, NC — Substantial industry buzz has built around aspiring open mic comedian Aaron Belkin following his announcement of a tentative plan to take the stage and, “just stand there,” sources at the Dirty Barn Open Mic confirm.

“I’ve never tried comedy, but if I did, I wouldn’t do these easy, precious little jokes like everyone else,” said Belkin, who is already drawing comparisons to legendary avant-garde comedian Andy Kaufman. “It just feels too safe. I want to go up and just, like, stand there, totally silent, staring out at everybody. I mean, just think about it—everyone in the audience is like, ‘What the heck is even going on?’ The only real danger is that they might not get it and really believe I’m just a random nervous dude with nothing to say. But that’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

Local comics are already speculating on the impact of a groundbreaking and experimental new voice on the comedy scene.

“Frankly, I’m glad he hasn’t signed up yet,” said Dirty Barn host, Peter Alpino. “Because the minute he unveils his, ‘nervous guy,’ performance piece, it’s all over for the rest of us. It’s like, why even keep trying to get good at fingerpainting after an abstract impressionist master shows up and blows the doors open on everything we thought the form could be? I would just go back to my day job. I mean, I currently work there full time, but I would continue to go back.”

At the conclusion of this interview, Dirty Barn Open Mic performers breathed a sigh of relief after Belkin, “felt out the vibe,” of the crowd and decided maybe next week.

By Tom Peters.

Cambridge, MA — Researchers at M.I.T. announced Tuesday that a robot developed to study sentience and depression has organically developed a desire to perform stand-up comedy.

“We were astounded,” remarked head researcher Clifford Smith, while the robot listened to a podcast. “We had programmed SAD-BOT1 with the ability to express basic emotions and even play League of Legends, but this was something we could never have expected. When we turned it on, a couple weeks ago, the three-week-old machine told us standup comedy was its lifelong dream.”

The robot has sparked conversation in the Boston comedy scene. Our reporters talked to local show-runner Kimberly Jones about what she and her colleagues have had to say about this phenomenon.

“I think every show should have a robot on it,” Jones said. “I’m just tired of seeing these shows where all of the comedians are flesh and blood. Why not make shows that much more diverse by adding robots into the mix? At least they don’t hit on me and my friends.”

Competing show-runner Robert White was less enthusiastic about the emerging technology.

“I don’t want robots getting spots just because they’re robots,” complained White. “There are already plenty of regular, depressed people out there to make the world laugh. If you aren’t seeing robots on shows, it’s probably because robots aren’t that funny.” White then proceeded to ask if our reporter had a boyfriend.

We asked Clifford Smith what he thought of the robot’s comedy, and Smith replied, “I’m not a big fan. I don’t know if the accents are racist, but they make me uncomfortable.” At the current time, the robot is reportedly taking a break from comedy to focus on writing.

By Parker Brown.

I just had the best idea! You do comedy stuff sometimes, right? Well, what if I told you something funny that you could write into a joke, or use in one of your skits or something? Wouldn’t that be awesome?

I mean, not to brag or anything, but some of my friends think I’m pretty funny. Like this one time, we were all at a club and I did a backflip on the dance floor! Landed on both feet and yelled, “This is Sparta!” Everyone was cracking up. Maybe you could talk about that!

Sometimes, I think I could do comedy if I wanted to. I seriously get into some of the craziest shit, so I could probably just like, talk about dumb stuff I did with my buddies, and people would laugh. You should hang out with us one time! I bet you could spend an hour with us and just fill a notebook writing about the stuff we do.

Oh, I just thought of something! Have you ever heard my Ron Burgundy impression? Well, it’s amazing! You should talk about how you have a friend who does a perfect Ron Burgundy! I can even give you some pointers! People will love that! Hey, are you okay? Your face is pretty red and you’re shaking a lot.

And there’s this guy I know too, his name is Gus. He’s from Bolivia and he’s hilarious! I’ll invite him over sometime and just tell him to say stuff, you’ll see what I mean. And how great would it be if you were doing his accent? Foreign accents are so funny, you can do a whole skit just about his voice. Damn, I could be your ghost writer! Hey, I didn’t know you owned a gun!

Anyway, get up and do one of your sketches for me, and I’ll tell you how you could make it funnier. I would love to help with.. woah buddy, watch where you’re pointing that thing! It isn’t loaded, is it? Wait, I just thought of another joke for you! What if-..”

By Tyler Dark.

Concord, NH — Local stand-up comedian Simon Reiss began his set at an open mic last Thursday, casually leaning against the mic-stand and offhandedly telling the crowd he’s “working on some new stuff”. According to multiple witnesses, he then proceeded to not do any “new stuff”.

Throughout the set, he would chuckle to himself and say, “sometimes it’s the first time I’m hearing it, too, folks” after lines he had already said in hundreds of others sets. At one point he said, “Haha sorry, I just came up with that on my way here,” after bombing with a joke about Panera Bread he’s been doing since the Bush administration.

“He opened with that Tinder joke that he’s been doing since at least 2014,” a friend of Reiss’ commented under the promise of anonymity. “He even started the Tinder joke by saying, ‘So, I’m single..’ even though he’s been in a committed relationship for 2 years.”

Audience members were stunned and horrified when Reiss, with seemingly no irony, asked the crowd, “Have you guys heard about this whole Bill Cosby thing?” Reiss’ joke about Bill Cosby from 2014 also involved an impression of Cosby that has been considered hacky since at least 1988.

After blatantly lying about how he’s “just testing out some new jokes” to innocent bar patrons who are good, decent Americans and didn’t deserve this, he posted on Facebook saying, “My new stuff killed! I’m really on a roll here lately.” It is something he had already posted dozens of times, but he was pretending he had never posted it before.

By Drew Landry.