The Bringer

East Hampton, N.Y. — Unbelievably successful superstar comedian Jerry Seinfeld, who has enough money for five hundred lifetimes, is going through some horrific trials and tribulations lately, due to the excessive political correctness plaguing college campuses nationwide.

“College crowds are too politically correct and sensitive,” lamented Seinfeld, a literal billionaire. “Being unable to perform at colleges has made me deeply depressed. The stress it causes is honestly akin to PTSD. Sure, I don’t need colleges, because I can play to sold out stadiums around the globe where the price of admission is $1000 and your first born child. But these college crowds have really got me down in the dumps.”

In a recent interview, done over the phone while he was on his private jet to Paris, this comedian opened up about the unspeakably painful battle he’s been fighting.

“These overly politically correct kids have really made my life pretty difficult,” he confessed between mouthfuls of beluga caviar. “I don’t think they understand how arrogant and tone deaf they sound.”

As we speak, this comic is wiping his eyes with hundred dollar bills while he bawls in his golden bathtub because he can’t do college shows. He’s so depressed that he can’t even work up the appetite to eat his dinner of rare panda and liquified diamonds that his robot butler prepared for him.

This man is so stressed that he can’t even enjoy his favorite downtime hobby of paying millions of dollars to random civilians to make them fight to the death for his amusement.

Hopefully, this billionaire comedian can one day live this dream of telling jokes in an auditorium at the University Of Wyoming. But until then, life is nothing but pain.

By Drew Landry.

Brooklyn, NY — Improv performer Andy Webber had an interesting week when he answered an ad in the “Gigs” section on Craigslist that said it needed “three high-energy guys.”

“I have to take any show I can get these days,” said Webber. “When I arrived at the apartment, I was thrilled that it was going to be a house show, because those are always a good time. Then a woman with veiny strap-on answered the door and I thought, what a whacky character, this is gonna be a fun show!”

Once in the apartment, Webber was led to the bedroom where he saw what he thought was an improv game he had never heard of.

“It was so weird, he kept saying yes to everything,” remarked an attendee of the orgy who asked to be referred to simply as “Thaddeus.” “It was very hard to focus on getting a blowjob with all that nonsense going on. And don’t even mention the part where he was looking for audience suggestions during anal!”

Webber had more thoughts on the affair, which he still considers one of his better performances to date:

“When I first heard the moans and gagging from the other performers, it honestly reminded me of what I’m used to hearing at most of my shows,” he confessed. “The whole time when I was in the corner with my clothes on, I thought, wow, this is some next-level stuff they’re doing. I can’t wait to bring what I’ve learned to my improv group, Chicken Caccia–Tori Amos.”

The other people present for the event were deeply disturbed, and, while they plan to continue soldiering on with more orgies, they hope to never run into the perverse world of improv ever again.

By Kurt Ryan.

Fredericksburg, VA — New comic Jeff Stillwater has made a point vocalize his obsession with transgender people and his opinion that atheism is an entire personality, which has industry experts wondering, could he be the next Ricky Gervais?

Bar patrons at a recent open mic claim that Stillwater’s set last Tuesday was high on observations about trans women and low on punchlines. His opening bit contained the line “Oh, you identify as a woman? Well I identify as a helicopter! Everyone has to call me a helicopter now, or else they’re a bigot!” One unwilling audience member claimed he already saw that joke word-for-word in a meme that his conservative uncle shared in 2014.

He also said verbatim, “Just because you cut your dick off doesn’t mean you’re a woman! Hell, some of these people still have their dicks and they wanna say they’re a woman! Hello, you’ve a giant, veiny throbbing hard cock and a big ol’ pair of sweaty, hairy balls draping between your thighs!”

In addition to loud, impassioned descriptions of the genitalia of people he finds too sensitive, Stillwater also said “I would never date a trans woman.” Anonymous sources have claimed that no trans women have made this offer to him at any point, with several even expressing elation at the news that they will never have to deal with him.

Much like comedy legend Ricky Gervais, Stillwater is also a proud atheist, and he mentioned it no less them 8 times in his 3-minute set. “There is no God, I’m sorry if that offends you,” he bravely proclaimed to the Los Angeles crowd of fellow comedians who are also atheists.

“He’s one of the few comedians who is fearless enough to say he’s an atheist and to talk about transgender people and offend the liberal elites,” according to Fedora Magazine, a new publication for angry 15-year-olds who think anime is real.

With his smug smirk and toxic, pathological fixation on trans women, Jeff Stillwater may be the next big thing in comedy. Look out, snowflakes, this guy is about to tell it like it is.

By Drew Landry.

Denver, CO — New local comedian and podcast fan Mike Homelie received a standing ovation for a few jokes he performed about CBD, which shocked the other comedians also performing on the show.

“He’s never done that well before,” said Miles Poneman, a comedian who is also an avid consumer of comedy podcasts. “I feel like I heard the same thing on Rogan a few weeks ago. In fact, I looked up the podcast episode where one of Joe Rogan’s comedian guests made some humorous off-the-cuff jokes about CBD. This guy basically regurgitated exactly what was on the podcast.”

Homelie celebrated his breakthrough with a victory lap around the venue, during which he offered everyone in arm’s length a high-five.

“Man, the jokes just come to me,” Homelie claimed when asked how he wrote such piercing, succinct jokes. “It might be something totally different from last time, depending on which episode of JRE I just heard. I get inspiration everywhere, from everyday experiences to something a distinguished guest like Joey Diaz said. It depends on my mood.”

The Homelie incident reminded Miles Poneman of another incident earlier in the year when a comedian “did a sketch from the podcast Comedy Bang Bang verbatim, doing different voices for the different people performing on the podcast.”

According to Poneman, that comedian later copped to the theft in a lengthy Facebook post where they claimed that jokes weren’t really intellectual property.

“They proudly were like ‘anyone who thinks they own the jokes they write, perfect and perform for years are just unfunny wussies’ and I took issue with that,” the comic confessed. “It took me three years to write a decent joke about the difference between Uber and Lyft.”

Mike Homelie was not available for comment at the time of publication for this story. When The Bringer tried to reach Homelie for comment, we were promptly blocked on all platforms.

By Chris Hudson.

So, how did you like that killer set I just did? Yeah, I’ve been doing this a while now. It took a long time for me to develop my act into something as strong as it is today.

What’s that? You say you’ve heard some of the jokes I did somewhere before? Well, of course you have! And no, it isn’t because I “stole” someone else’s jokes. Those were what we distinguished comedy veterans like to call “street jokes.”

You see, there are some jokes that have been told so often, that there is no longer a need to credit whoever wrote it in the first place. Plus, if I add my own little spin on it, like putting my hands in my pockets, I basically rewrote it entirely.

As a well-respected comic, I would never steal someone else’s bit! That is the worst thing you could possibly do! But if I really like the bit, and I just happened to hear it somewhere other than a comedy club, then how exactly does it not belong to me?

Still don’t get it? Let me give you an example; you know that old “chicken crossed the road” joke you’ve heard a million times? Well, nobody claims that joke, so everyone can tell it. That’s no different from me using material I haven’t written in twenty of my forty total prepared minutes.

You’ll figure it out one day, kid. Just keep going to mics, getting on stage, and putting in the work, and you’ll be able to tell other people’s jokes as good as anyone. Just don’t steal anything from my act.

By Tyler Dark.

Toledo, OH — Local open mic comedian Josh Rogers announced his retirement from comedy today in a public Facebook post. Despite 8 hours since the post was made, the status has only received likes and has no comments.

“When I said I was retiring from comedy, I really expected an outpouring of people thanking me for all the laughs and asking me to consider unretiring,” said Rogers. “But I’ve only seen likes of the post and no comments. I hoped for at least a laugh react or something.”

Comedians from around the region who know Rogers had varied reactions to the situation.

“Yeah, I saw that and gave a like,” remarked open mic regular “The Comedian” OG Clownface. “He won’t be missed at all the mics taking time that could be mine. I almost went with a love reaction, but that level of burn I save for the local open mic roast shows.”

“I was thinking of doing the whole retiring thing, but after seeing that, I’m gonna stick around,” said comedian Marge Roberts. “I’ll just keep going to mics despite being immunocompromised, I’m sure those bar patrons are talking about how much they love my bits.”

“I actually liked and defriended,” said veteran comedian Dick Masters. “I only talked to the kid because he might end up running a show someday or be able to get me time on something. He’ll just have to live without my Facebook funnies just like I now have to live without the chance to eat his leftover fries.”

Update: Within an hour of our interview Rogers had quit five different regional standup comedy Facebook groups, replacing them with five “spicy” meme Facebook groups, which he began posting in.

By G. Smith.

Hanover, PA — After evaluating his career trajectory and anticipated workload, local comic Brett Kemp has decided to stop writing new material and just lean into looking like total shit all the time.

“I like when people laugh at my jokes, but I fucking hate writing them,” growled Kemp through the bits of nacho cheese clinging to his unkempt beard. “I figured, I’ll stop the writing part, take the worst care of myself possible, and be super gross on stage. Who needs original new jokes when I can just audibly belch and point out the tit sweat on my shirt?”

While some may consider Kemp’s move risky, industry analysts claim that it is a bold and emerging strategy among comics who feel the weight of a two- to five-hour workweek.

“Within six months of getting started, many comics begin to realize that making strangers laugh involves some level of work,” said Lila Sharpe, a development manager at Spotify. “But now, some of them are realizing that being a grimy caricature of someone with talent is a much more efficient way of winning an audience over than more traditional approaches, like developing your act or putting time into being funnier.”

Those who have witnessed Kemp’s recent development in his act have offered a wide array of reviews.

“While farting loudly enough for everyone to hear isn’t exactly a joke, it’s still kind of funny,” admitted Mark Lewes, whose nightly drinking was recent interrupted by an open mic where Kemp performed. “This kid can’t be older than twenty-five, but he carries himself like a sixty-year-old with heart disease. He smells like he bathes in weed and beer sweat. But people love it, so what can I say? Still, it seems like a big sacrifice just to avoid the work of being a comedian.”

Kemp is also getting ready to release his debut album, My Dick Stinks, which will feature his now legendary bit, “Uh, Hey Guys.”

By Tyler Dark.

West Hollywood, CA — One after another, once admired comedians are finding themselves in murky waters after their troublesome pasts are revealed to the public. The latest comic-under-fire is Jim Gaffigan, whose reputation for being a clean and wholesome act is under question after it was recently revealed that he is a devout Catholic.

“I feel like my whole world has been rocked,” claimed longtime fan Sami Noel. “With so many comedians going for the curse words and crass content, I was always pleasantly surprised by Jim Gaffigan’s material. He always seemed to be family-friendly. But then I find out he ascribes to the crass and downright sickening ideology that is Catholicism, and I wonder, how is that family-friendly?”

While other comedians like Louis CK and Chris Delia have been made to reckon with direct allegations from specific people, Gaffigan’s controversy lies in his apparent endorsement of literally tens of thousands of child molesters.

“To know I’ve even been associated with this guy makes me shake,” said comic Kevin O’Ruark, Gaffigan’s opening act for several years. “There is such a thing as guilt by association. And being associated with an institution as wretched and disgusting as Catholicism is enough to make me say enough is enough. I’d rather be paid in exposure for the rest of my career than be anywhere near someone like that.”

While this recent turn of events is bound to impact Gaffigan’s career, there are still some who say they will continue to support the comedian.

“Global sex cult or none, Jim Gaffigan is the best,” proclaimed unbothered fan Harry Golden. “I always said, this guy could openly endorse a theological molestation ring, and I’d still be on his side. Well, it looks like push has come to shove, and I’m no fair weather fan. His jokes have gotten me through too many tough times for me to let a little child abuse make my stomach uneasy.”

While some of Gaffigan’s tour dates have been cancelled amid the backlash, he is still set to perform an outdoor show next weekend that will feature communion wafers and a van filled with puppies and candy.

By Tyler Dark.

Los Angeles, CA — Months after the widely publicized allegations of sexual misconduct against Chris Delia, another famous funnyman is now back in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons; Jeff Dunham has recently been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior by at least five of his puppets.

In the late 2000’s and early 2010’s, Dunham filled stadiums with his brand of politically incorrect humor, but the fallen star is now being referred to as “the Cosby of puppetry.”

“He just… put his hand inside me,” recalled a shivering Achmed during a recent interview with Anderson Cooper. “Without asking. In front of people. It was humiliating. And this was no isolated incident, he literally did this tens of thousands of times in public. No one even questioned it.”

Dunham’s puppet Bubba J was apparently completely unaware of his co-performers horrifying sexual exploits.

“This is like watching a childhood friend die,” Bubba expressed through painful shock while being interviewed for the Joe Rogan Experience. “I had no idea he was capable of these disgusting things. Walter and Melvin the Superhero Guy were apparently threatened with career sabotage if they came forward. And the story about Jose The Jalapeño and the stick? It’s almost too much to stomach.”

Tucker Carlson vehemently defended Dunham in a 17-minute, fiery segment on his Fox News television program.

“In an entertainment industry filled with liberal elites and hypocritical snowflakes, of course a Republican comedian is being crucified without a proper trial,” Carlson spat at the camera. “Thanks to thought police that were always determined to silence him, it looks like Jeff himself was the real puppet all along. Mr. Dunham, we here at Fox News strand behind you and all other conservative-identifying white men accused of sexual misconduct.”

While Dunham declined to comment directly, his lawyer, a new puppet of his named Bradley S. Fartdick, Esq., spoke for him in a cartoonish manner with a silly voice, which was unfortunately both objectively impressive and admittedly hilarious.

By Drew Landry.

North Hampstead, NY — Local, self-proclaimed comedian Carl Winger has recently been accused of what some describe as “crimes against humanity” after taking his Hinge date to an open mic where he was slated to perform.

“My initial thought was that this chick would dig a guy who performs for a living,” recalled Winger, who has never made money doing comedy. “How often do you get asked out, and your date ends up being the entertainment you are out to see? I thought it might be like a Ron Burgundy, jazz flute situation, but as it turns out, open mic comedy doesn’t produce the same results.”

Winger allegedly texted his date, who requested anonymity, to meet at The Green Boot for a quick drink.Within 6 minutes of them meeting, a host walked into the corner of the room with a mic and said “before we start, I wanna thank you guys for supporting live comedy.” A majority of bar patrons escaped safely before the first “..soooo any of you guys smoke weed?” was uttered by a moderately chubby man in a black hoodie mere minutes later.

“I don’t know what this creep was thinking,” shuddered the anonymous date. “One time, a guy I met online took me to his brother’s funeral, and tried to make out with me in front of the open casket. I would rather relive that memory every day for the rest of my life than be subjected to another open mic. God, it was awful.”

The woman recalled that Winger had mentioned that he does stand-up at one point during their text conversations the previous week, but had no idea that what seemed like a harmless piece of personal trivia was actually a dire warning.

Winger went on stage to perform his material, in what witnesses called “a vagina-drying moment of tragedy.” His set included observations about dating apps, a vividly graphic description of how often he masturbates, and an impression of Donald Trump was so ghastly it may singlehandedly get him re-elected.

The woman politely escaped by the end of the open mic, determined to never let this happen again. When reached for comment, Winger replied that he “still doesn’t why he she hasn’t texted him back.” He is currently facing 25-to-life in a maximum security prison.

By Drew Landry.