The Bringer

Last week, we had the pleasure of interviewing Simon Zimmer, who is widely regarded as one of the best up-and-coming comics in his home state of Texas, while asking him about the evening’s specials at the restaurant where he was our waiter.

“Tonight’s appetizer special is Brussels sprouts au gratin,” the comic said of his successes on stage and the career opportunities that have followed. “It’s garnished with chives and it’s a pretty big serving, so it’s definitely good to share. Would you folks like to see the wine list?”

Throughout the evening, Zimmer exhibited the prowess of a legend-in-training, very eloquently describing the life that led him to his current enviable status of top-tier comedian.

“We’re actually out of the blackened mahi,” he said of his childhood, watching videos of Eddie Murphy and George Carlin. “But the swordfish is excellent, and we also have amazing oysters Rockefeller.” When we asked him what the best set of his life so far was, he asked if we were going to order anything, and said he’d give us a few more minutes with the menu.

Kelsie Sloan, Zimmer’s manager at work, is one of many people who see the young comedian going very far.

“He’s only been late a few times in the four months he’s worked here,” she said of his writing ability and keen self-awareness as a performer. “He does a good job, covers a shift here and there, and honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me to see him get bumped up to head server or even front-of-house manager.”

People who want to see this rising star in action can make a reservation at Francine’s Seafood Kitchen, where he has a residency as server and occasional expeditor Wednesdays through Sundays.

By Tyler Dark.

Kansas City, MO – Reemer Hawkwind, a comedian whose name is objectively cool, was performing at a rooftop comedy showcase recently where a friend vouched for him to get a spot on the show, only to discover that he is probably the coolest person ever to absolutely suck at comedy.

“I thought Reemer had all these cool stories he could share,” said Greg Futz, a longtime friend of Hawkwind who had heard him talk about comedy once. “From having parents who played in jam bands to the time he went with his uncle to study penguins in Antarctica, this guy is an encyclopedia of awesome. I thought he’d be great at comedy, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. He’s so bad at it, that I now find the fact that he once got a guitar lesson from Steve Vai entirely uncool.”

Many other comedians on the show and even some of the audience members agreed that Reemer was indeed very nice and also good at holding conversation.

“He knew so much about the textile industry, he could point to a thread on my shirt and tell me where it came from,” said Mary Price, an audience member at the show. Multiple audience members agreed with her, telling The Bringer that Reemer seemed like “a chill guy.” When it came time for Reemer to do his set, however, things turned out very differently.

Reemer started out okay, according to some reports. He joked about having a first name that sounds like “weiner” and having hippie parents. But then things got dark. His jokes turned to more disdainful statements where he chastised “fatty fat fucks” for apparently “eating too much food and being useless idiots.” Silence from the crowd did not deter Reemer as he pivoted to guns, saying that he “wished to purchase a gun that could not be traced” so he could “do what others did not have the courage to.”

An audible “what the fuck” was heard from someone in the crowd towards the end of Reemer’s set while the host was seen aggressively lighting him. He closed on a statement that “darkness would soon once again rise upon the Earth” before playfully air guitaring to the music that played him off stage. A spokesman for the show told The Bringer that Reemer didn’t “seem like a psycho when we said, ‘Sure, we can give you a guest spot. Reemer Hawkwind is a cool name!’”

By Chris Hudson.

La Salle, IL — Open mic comedian and fairly new high school graduate Troy Newcomb was recently heard pining for an era of standup defined by legends like Sam Kinison, Rodney Dangerfield, and other acts who peaked at least two decades before his living memory had even begun.

“It was just a better time,” said Newcomb, who regularly gets carded when buying tickets to an R-rated movie. “You didn’t have all this PC crap dictating what you can and can’t say. Comics used to have guts, and while my brain wasn’t developed enough on 9/11 for me to have any visual memory of it, I remember the comedy of the 70’s and 80’s quite well.”

Ronald Wake, a decrepit old man and one of Newcomb’s closest friends spoke to the young comedian’s credit.

“Troy will pop over to the home sometimes and we’ll watch an old Dangerfield video,” reminisced Wake while being fed applesauce intravenously. “Kid definitely respects the good old days of comedy, when white guys would say whatever they wanted, and nobody had a problem with it. Nowadays, everyone’s all sensitive. I’m glad at least one person his age can appreciate the recklessly problematic era of comedy that paved the way for so many terrible artists.”

Newcomb’s performances at local open mics have been met with what could be considered “mixed reactions.”

“He’s never performing on my show again,” declared comedian and producer Abi Clayburn when asked about Newcomb’s act. “I see this kid who looks fourteen come in and ask for a spot, and I thought, that’s cute, you know? Kid wants to give comedy a shot, why not let him have a few minutes? He gets up there and goes on a tirade about immigrants that would make the most racist of uncles blush. It was a disaster, like a 70-year-old Republican trapped in a child’s body.”

Despite his act’s negative reception, Newcomb did recently accept his first paid gig as the opening comedian for the band Trapt.

By Tyler Dark.

Portland, OR – Local white comedian Ron Johnson, who just took to the stage at the One-Shot open mic, would just like a minute to explain himself, according to sources.

“I just need a quick minute to explain what I said. You’re all taking the whole thing out of context,” Johnson said while prowling the makeshift stage. “Do you know how diverse my friendship group is? You should meet my sister’s kid. I didn’t realize that everyone was this sensitive. If you only knew what was in my heart you would know that I’m okay! Let me tell you a couple of stories from my past and this should clear this up…”

Fellow open mic comedian Rachelle Mylar was both surprised and horrified to see Johnson back on the stage after his recent performance.

“I can’t believe that guy is back after that bit he tried last week,” lamented Mylar quietly from a booth at the back of the bar. “I know he was talked to after the show. Normally I don’t listen to his set, but when he started in on that shit, it was hard to ignore. And now that he’s up there trying to smooth things over, and it’s actually making it worse. His reasoning is actually more terrible than the stupid joke. Just go to another mic, dude. Try one in the suburbs. They go for that bullshit out there.”

While Johnson’s ridiculous attempt may seem small, Grant Dunbar, President of the American Open Mic Society, warns that this represents a disturbing trend in the industry.

“Oh sure, at this mic it’s this one guy,” claimed Dunbar from a local comedy club whose owner requested anonymity. “But we are seeing a dramatic rise in the use of precious stage time for this. Our analytics show by this time in 2022, 90% of the open-mic time will just be white cis males trying to cover their asses. The unfortunate part about this is, we aren’t seeing white guys actually improve what they are saying to begin with. They are just increasing how good they are at apologizing for it. That’s an unsustainable system.”

Johnson was unavailable for further comment as he was busy writing a strongly worded tweet about “Cancel Culture.”

By Ryan Danley.

Boise, ID — Local comedian Griff Matthews recently lost his girlfriend after getting her to agree to do a podcast called Two Love Chairs, whose premise was a happy couple talking about relationships.

“I told her it’d be like a classy, couples version of Call Her Daddy,” said Matthews, who thought airing a serious argument with his girlfriend and marketing it as comedy would result in something other than a breakup. “I guess she didn’t like my ideas on what women should do and be, but we can’t just agree about everything and expect to have an interesting dialogue!”

Matthews’s girlfriend, Eunice Pendleton, claimed she never paid enough attention to his jokes to find them offensive.

“They always end up talking about their dicks,” Pendleton claimed. “And after the fourth ‘that’s ’cause of mah dick’ joke, you kind of want to tune everything out. I honestly spent pretty much every one of his shows in the back, refreshing Insta and hoping he didn’t start telling people that we have sex.”

When asked if the show would indeed go on, Matthews seemed optimistic.

“Yeah, I think I’m going to sit Tinder matches down in the other Love Chair and then just explain my ideas on women,” he told us with a very stupid hope in his eyes. “Then, eventually one of them will become my girlfriend. After that, I’ll have an awesome new permanent co-host. I’m confident this is a great idea that will pan out really well.”

At press time, an estimated five different parodies of the podcast that caused Griff Matthews’s break-up were already their rounds on the internet.

By Chris Hudson.

Baltimore, MD — The sun rose upon a new era in comedy after a recent all-female showcase, whose exhibition of half a dozen beautiful white women from wealthy families successfully destroyed the patriarchy forever.

“This is such a big deal,” remarked Karen Lefenfield, a white woman who isn’t fully on board with gay marriage. “To see myself represented that way, it was just so empowering. I truly believe that every person who has ever been oppressed is now unbound from misogyny, which is the only civil rights issue that exists. Way to go, ladies!”

The groundbreaking showcase featured some of the most sought-after talent within a small circle of friends, and was vetted rigorously by bookers to assure that it was as hilarious as it was inspiring.

“This is about representation, so we wanted to make sure that was reflected in our lineup,” said producer Kayleigh Nottingham, who lives in a beautiful metropolitan apartment and recently asked a woman of color if she could touch her hair. “The queer community was especially represented by our proudly bicurious comedienne Hannah. After all, what group of women has been put the ringer more than bicurious caucasians?”

Some of the male comedians in the area were less than pleased to feel like they had been shunned by the bookers and attendees of the show.

“Are you kidding me?” ranted Arthur Long, an open mic comic who is 20 years old and claims to try to emulate Bill Hicks. “It’s reverse-discrimination, and I’m sorry if some people don’t want to hear that! Go ahead and call the PC police! I can name three women off the top of my Google search who do comedy, so don’t act like you aren’t included!”

Both the show’s impact on comedy in general and the petty reactions from “haters” have proven scientifically that white people should just not do comedy at all.

By Tyler Dark.

Louisville, KY — A local bar in downtown Louisville has cancelled its open mic, which had been the longest running comedy show in the city, the very instant it determined it had enough regular business to do so.

“We never wanted to do comedy, but it was the only way to get a dozen people in here on a Sunday night,” said Sid Humphries, the manager of The Nasty Olive. “I’m not really looking to replace it with anything. I kind of hope we just run like a normal bar without stupid, gimmicky bullshit like an open mic for the foreseeable future.”

When asked about the absence of Sunday night comedy, most bar patrons were surprised to learn that there had even been a comedy show.

“Comedy? Is that what those weird meetings by the NFL Blitz game were?” asked Lee Morren, a frequent guest of The Nasty Olive and zero-time attendee of the weekly show. “I honestly thought it was some weird, new-age support group that talked about Tinder a lot. You’re telling me those people were trying to be funny?”

The only people who seemed to express any remorse over the show’s cancellation were the comics themselves, whose Sunday ritual has now come to an end.

“We love this bar! It was the only place you could get a $2 PBR and say the R-word on stage with minimal repercussions,” reminisced veteran comic of six months and faithful attendee Rick Lyons. “Sure, there normally wasn’t more than three people in here for the show, but on good nights, we could pack this place with six, seven people sometimes. Those are the nights I’m going to miss most.”

One bearded comic who chose to remain anonymous protested the business by using his last drink ticket on a PBR, and then not tipping.

By June Dempsey.

Derry, ME — Friends of Allen Desch, a local accountant and a regular volunteer for several animal shelters, expressed no surprise, or even interest in the fact that he is gay. This begs the question: could he be the next Todd Glass?

“Yeah, I live with my husband Jerry, and Rhonda, our German Shepard,” Desch explained. “Jerry is a realtor, big Red Sox fan. We go to a game or two every year. I’m a big dog-lover, so I help out at a few shelters, and get a lot of snuggle-time with my Rhonda. Nothing too exciting, but I’d say we’re pretty happy. Why are you interviewing me again?”

Desch’s homosexuality seems not to be a big deal to him or anyone in his life, which has comedy-goers buzzing with comparisons to Todd Glass.

“Allen isn’t what I’d call funny,” remarked Janet Kinder, one of Desch’s coworkers. “But now that I find out he’s gay after knowing him for over a year, I feel… nothing really. I don’t think he’s funnier now, if that’s what you’re asking. What does this have to do with comedy, and who is Todd Glass?”

Despite Desch’s never having performed or expressed interest in stand-up comedy, he has received offers for bookings from clubs across the region.

“Let me make sure I’m understanding you here,” said Gene Johnson, owner of Johnson’s Ha-Ha Hut in Bangor. “This Desch guy has never done comedy, he’s just an unassuming gentleman who’s sexuality doesn’t necessarily pervade through his personality? Reminds me of Todd Glass. Yeah, okay. I’ll give him a weekend.”

A fan page for Allen Desch has already garnered over five thousand followers on Facebook, and features photos of him at work, and a short video of him washing his car.

By Tyler Dark.

Seattle, WA — Local comedian Dan Chase, who hosts Tuesday’s night’s “Just For Shits” open mic and suffers from severe codependency, recently allowed all attendees to go first in an attempt to avoid anyone being mad at him.

“Well, I started with a sign-up list,” Chase said, sitting alone at a hi-top table. “First come first serve. And then people started asking if they could go up ahead of other comics. Things went downhill quickly from there. Next thing I knew, comics were coming from all directions. I couldn’t say no. One after another asked me if they could go first, and I just kept saying yes because they all said they had other mics to get to. By the time the mic started, all 23 of them were lined up on the side of the stage, so I called them all up at once. And I think it worked, everyone left happy. At least I hope so.”

While the idea of 23 open mic comics delivering their material at once may seem out of the ordinary, most performers didn’t seem bothered. In fact, most may have not realized it even occurred.

“What? Yeah, I guess there were other people on stage,” declared self-proclaimed up-and-comer Kristy Keen. “I was pretty focused on this tight four I need for this show I may be on in a month. It seemed like I was killing, or maybe it was the woman standing next to me, either way, I killed. All four people in attendance seemed stoked.”

While this may have seemed a success, the National Chairperson of Comedy Open Mics President Luther Dane is concerned about the standard set.

“While I would hate to disparage Mr. Chase’s ‘sickness’ because the goddamn PC police who ruin comedy will show up at my door and have me surrender my first amendment rights, I feel like this still set a bad precedent,” Dane proclaimed to an empty bar. “I understand the struggles of running an open mic. Your friends, better comics, people who run shows, chicks you want to bang, etc. But you’ve got to own that shit. Put those assholes where they belong. The list is the fucking list. Write that shit in stone like a goddamn professional!”

Mr. Chase was unavailable for further comment as he too busy sending DMs to every comic in attendance asking if they are okay.

By Ryan Danley.

Fargo, ND — Comedian Mikey Bourne, who has been performing across North Dakota for two and a half years, will be releasing his debut hour-long special on Amazon Prime, as if that accolade matters worth a fuck.

“It so incredible to know that my comedy will be available to so many people,” ogled Bourne over his new special, which like every other Amazon special, nobody will watch. “I always knew that if I worked hard enough, I would be able to sell my special to a network. I’m so grateful to the folks at Amazon for believing in me and accepting my money to get my name out there!”

Media analysts have noticed a rising trend amongst utterly inexperienced and unqualified comedians releasing specials thanks to Amazon’s seemingly nonexistent vetting policy.

“The math behind it is pretty straightforward,” remarked Claire Medina, a sociologist who specializes in cultural studies. “Basically, Amazon has all the money. So what they do is flood their network with specials whose sole purpose is to make the comics who produce them feel good, because fuck it, it’s no real loss to them. Plus they can afford to balance out the garbage with acclaimed specials and classics, so they don’t lose viewership entirely. Everyone wins, except people who want to watch a decent comedy special.”

Bourne’s announcement was met with many congratulations from his equally not-that-good comedic peers.

“I love that my Prime subscription comes with something I could just as easily see for free live,” said Noah Lott, a friend of Bourne’s. “It also gives me hope that someday someone like me will be talented enough pay Amazon whatever they charge to let you have a special.”

Comedians with unpracticed material are encouraged to submit their specials to Amazon for “review,” and to remember that if they somehow manage to get rejected, there is still HBO.

By Tyler Dark.