The Bringer

Manhattan, NY — After four months of running up tabs of $8 Bud Lights and $11 shots at the Manhattan Comedy Club front bar, The C.K. Lounge, sources claim Richard “Jonsie” Jones bombed his late night audition at last Tuesday night.

“I’ll be honest dude, that was not good,” Jonsie told reporters at the bar after his devastating set. “I ate a full on dick sandwich, hold the pickles, hold the cheese, hold the lettuce, hold the tomato, hold the bun. That sucked. I could have said nothing at all and it would have been funnier than that.”

Jones, who was a Brooklyn indie scene regular as of earlier this year, completely fell off the radar according to other comics.

“Jonsie’s still doin’ stand-up?” inquired Mike Heinz, co-host of Man Titties at Bar Zippo in Brooklyn. “Nice, I didn’t know. I mean, I just haven’t seen him in like four months so I just assumed he decided to go hack it up in LA or got on TikTok or some shit. Good to know he’s still got integrity.”

After asking the club owner how he could get on at Manhattan Comedy Club, despite his comedy credit being two viral tweets, Jones was told to “sit at the bar and hang.”

“Dude, I haven’t been on stage since like freakin’ March,” Jones said. “I can’t even hit up a mic because I had to start driving for Lyft on top of my dog walking and server gigs so I could cover my bar tabs. And every time I ran over my set to passengers, they’d give me one star. But actual legends have come through here, so at the end of the day, it is what it is, ya know?”

Jones posted his audition tape to YouTube with the title “Worst Bomb Ever” and in a mere 12 hours, it received over 600,000 views and earned him a gig at StandUp NY.

By Will Abeles.

Chicago, IL — Despite constant updates on various social media accounts, friends of local comedian Morton Gondley were reportedly unsure of when and where his next performance would be.

“I put my Venmo, Cash App and my PayPal address on the flyer,” said Gondley, while obsessively refreshing his Facebook app. “This show is the only thing I have posted about for the last five weeks. I also used the phrase ‘seating is limited’ even though it’s a Zoom show. And the same people reacting to the poster are the ones asking me when my next show is! This is insane!”

Comedian Leeta Shremenie has a similar problem to Gondley’s; her friends ask when her next show is while catching up, only to offer mixed reactions.

“I told one of my friends, ‘Oh, I have one tonight. And it’s online so you don’t have to go anywhere.’ She told me she couldn’t because she had to watch The Crown. I reminded her it’s available to stream any time, but she told me ‘I don’t think mine works like that. I really need to call Netflix.’ I called for her and they laughed at me like I was an idiot.”

Studies from the Mediocre Entertainment department at University of Chicago have shown that the majority of adults find it easier to falsely say they are going to attend a comedy show than explain why they can’t.

“It’s a medical phenomenon known as OYMDGSTNS, which stands for ‘Oh Yeah, My Dog Got Sick That Night Syndrome,’” explained social scientist Boz Dune, “It’s a remarkable paradox in which the longer you do something, the more your friends forget that you even do it. In fact, there is recent data that the most popular local comedians are often people who haven’t performed in years.”

It was determined that Gondley was unavailable for further comment when nobody felt like checking to see if his Facebook had any contact information.

By Chris Hudson.

Little Rock, AR — Claiming that taking a laissez-faire approach would be beneficial for the entire comedy community, local conservative comedian Luke Francis reassured his fellow content creators that all of the top meme page followers would eventually trickle down to them.

“All you hear is hate towards the big and successful meme pages on Facebook and Instagram, but what people don’t understand is that these accounts are creating comedy fans that the rest of us will be able to enjoy,” said Francis, adding that despite their unethical and predatory practices, meme pages such as “FuckJerry” were ultimately good for comedy. “If we work just as hard, we can be like them some day.”

According to the comics within his circle, Francis frequently spiels about how supply-side follower growth is the key to comedy success while ignoring the growing inequality gap between small-time comedy writers and big meme pages. 

“He pretty much brings this stuff up whenever he can,” complained comedian Terrell Whitters. “I was just complaining about how someone needs to do something about all these meme pages stealing our content, and he immediately interjected about how regulating these pages would be the biggest disaster for comedy and that the invisible hand of the free market will solve our issues.”

Throughout the night, Francis continued to ramble on about how every person in comedy should be thankful that pages such as “The Fat Jew” exist while the rest of the comedians were slowly making their way out of the bar.

“I think people are just jealous and that’s why they lash out,” claimed Francis. “And there are so many misconceptions about how meme pages operate. For example, they don’t steal content, they work extremely hard to curate your ideas and make them presentable to their audience. That’s why they deserve the big sponsored advertising money. We should just be thankful that the big meme players are helping the rest of us get more followers, even if they have to be constantly messaged and pressured to add our handles.”

At press time, a hopeful Francis was DMing @epicfunnypage for the tenth time today to see if they’d be willing to share his recent Tik Toks about dating in your 20’s.

By Peter Clark-Deutsch

Wilmington, DE — After eleven years of consistent practice at open mics, constant review of filmed sets, and daily writing exercises, local comedian Denise LeBlanc recently announced she has given up hope of ever surpassing Dicky Cantry, a guy with, like, a lot of friends.

“I can’t keep on being disappointed,” remarked LeBlanc from behind a literal tower of notebooks filled with practiced material. “It’s not worth it to keep trying if some dude can just bring all his friends and say whatever he wants, knowing everyone will laugh. He just gets up and says he ‘doesn’t give a fuck’ over and over. And the whole crowd cheers, because they’re all his friends. Then they leave as soon as he gets off. It’s bullshit!”

Cantry was quick to rebut the claim that he only gets a positive audience reaction when he packs a room with familiars.

“They cheer for me ‘cause I’m a fuckin’ comedy god,” he declared as the ten people he brought to the interview with him roared with applause. “I don’t need fifty people to show up for me to have an amazing set. Like, have only thirty people show up, and see what happens! I’ll still kill it ‘cause I’m a beast! Now who’s ready to get fucked up??”

One venue owner was quick to admit that they would rather have a comic bring a bunch of proxy audience members than hire someone who was actually decent at comedy.

“Look, I’ve seen this LeBlanc lady, and she’s got a real talent,” said Kenny Forsythe, owner of Kenny’s Wing Shack, which hosts a biweekly comedy showcase. “But if it’s between her and the one loud guy who swears a lot, I’m going with the guy because he brings every single one of his friends, every single time. None of them tip, but that’s a problem for my staff to deal with. The money I personally make off these idiots is too good to say no to.”

At press time, Cantry’s friends were clapping their pied piper on the shoulder while reciting quotes from his infamous closer, “Make some noise if you like drinkin’!”

By Tyler Dark.

Youngstown, OH – Derelict DIY music venue The Thrash Crater was recently reclaimed by new owners as The Chuckle Hole, an open mic comedy venue specializing in unrefined stand-up and beginners improv performances, unreasonably excited sources confirmed.

“After the Crater got shut down, when the building inspector found all those dead cats in the wall, the arts community really felt the loss,” said Chuckle Hole co-owner Kendall Reese. “We need spaces where local artists can feel free to create and express themselves, so I’m really glad we were able to open this place back up as a comedy club. It probably won’t be long now before someone gets discovered here, and then that’ll really put this place on the map.”

Members of the community expressed their support for the venue reopening to feature comedy sets.

“I think this place is gonna be the new keystone for the local DIY scene,” remarked minimally talented hipster Alex Campbell. “Although I’ll miss the Crater, just because I have a lot fond memories of the shows there. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been accidentally electrocuted in that place. I used to play there all the time with my guttercore band, Garbage Eater, but maybe we can still play if we cover a few Weird Al songs or something.”

City officials however were less optimistic about the venues reopening.

“I really thought we’d finally gotten rid of that hellhole,” grumbled city comptroller Gerry King. “We’ve been trying to shut the place down ever since we realized their smoke alarms were just painted on like tunnels in a Roadrunner cartoon. And a comedy club is even worse! We thought a few drunk kids with acoustic guitars were bad, but a thirty person improv team trying to warm up in a linen closet? That’s more than anyone should have to endure.”

At press time, owners of the Chuckle Hole announced plans to expand the venue to include a slam poetry night, artists gallery, and vegan microbrewery in the back.

By James Knapp.

Minneapolis, MN — The owner of a well-established comedy club was recently disappointed to have received a press kit from a female comic that did not include pictures of her feet.

“This lady had such promise,” recalled Mark Olenthorpe, owner of Slapknee’s Comedy Club in downtown Minneapolis. “It would have been a perfect press kit if she had just slipped in a shot of her tootsies. Being funny is good, and writing jokes, timing, it’s all very important. But a lady’s best shot at getting passed at Slapknee’s is if she flashes daddy-o a shot of her little piggies, know what I mean?”

The comedian, who requested anonymity, was disappointed but unsurprised to discover the reason she was denied a booking.

“Yeah, the guy who runs the club is disgusting,” she said plainly. “Since I had done a few guest spots there, I figured he might recognize me enough to throw me a weekend. But I knew almost as soon as I sent him an email that not including what he calls ‘a peak at the gams’ was going to keep me from ever getting booked for real.”

While such behavior would be considered outrageously inappropriate in other business sectors, it is very typical toxicity in the comedy industry.

“I get offered bookings all the time,” claimed Tasha Green, who is not a comedian. “I posted a picture of myself getting a pedicure on Facebook in 2017, and since then, I’ve been called ‘one of the most sought after women in comedy.’ I’ve never been on stage in my life, and I honestly think most stand-up comedy is childish and dumb. Too bad they aren’t offering spots at Just For Laughs to someone else.”

At press time, several male comics who would never have been booked anyway were reportedly lambasting Slapknee’s on social media, using the hashtag #funnierthanfeet.

By Tyler Dark.

Brooklyn, NY – Three years after his tragic death at a carpentry/craft kombucha shop in Cold Spring, comedian James “Jim” Banks has finally been booked on one of Brooklyn’s hottest indie bar shows, Man Titties at Bar Zippo.

“That’s a great show to get a tape and there’s usually industry in the audience,” said his friend, former roommate and current Tonight Show writer Terri Frederick. “I’m sure he would be psyched to know he finally booked that show. However, I bet he would have been considerably more psyched had he booked it, say, four years ago, when he was still among the living.”

The booker who, shying away from their usual habit of making everything about them, asked to remain anonymous, had these remarks.

“Look, it’s a bar show,” she explained between drags of filterless Camel cigarette. “You always give the drinks tickets out, but then there’s always a few left for mama. I can’t always remember who I told to ‘hit me up.’ That’s for the next day version of me to figure out.”

Although a forgotten drunk booking is quite common in the comedy world, booking someone who’s been dead for three years is highly unusual, even for Brooklyn.

“I’m always looking for who’s hot,” the anonymous booker continued. “Like yes, I want them to be funny, but I also want the audience to want to fuck them. James had been sitting in my friend request box for a few years, so I finally accepted it, and all of the sudden I see these really hot black and white photos of him. I swear to God, they could have been in Vogue. Then everyone was posting his set, like all on the same day, so I thought, ‘fuck it, popularity’s never led me astray before, I’ll just book him.’”

After Banks didn’t reply to her DM on Instagram, the anonymous booker took to Twitter to bash his lack of professionalism, where she found out he’d be dead for nearly half a decade.

By Will Abeles

Lexington, KY — Comedian Danny Roberts was spotted on the corner of E. Loudon Ave and N. Limestone the other day holding a stack of papers and looking panicked.

“I’ve got to get ready for pitch season,” he said frantically. “Only when my divine order is up on the big screen will they understand! But my local Starbucks won’t let me spend the day transcribing these papers because apparently there’s some ‘virus’?” When asked what exactly was written on the papers, he said that “it’s a guide to how everything should be.”

Enrique Arnold, Danny’s friend who is also a comedian, was quick to tell reporters plainly what was written on the papers.

“It’s a manifesto, straight up,” Arnold stated with zero hesitation. “It has some creepy shit in it too. Some older dude at an open mic named Smitty Walson charged him $500 to tell him he needed to submit a screenplay to Netflix, and when Danny showed up with his manifesto, Smitty told him to use it.”

In the opening scene of the film, Roberts is seen beating up all of his high school bullies at once, while “the hottest girls in school” cheer him on, including his “bodacious babe of a chemistry teacher.”

“It’s a classic good vs. evil, enlightened vs. woke kind of thing,” Roberts explained. “It’s resurrecting the idea of how society should be: only advantageous for people who are like me. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to get my first 30 pages to the netflixexec@netflix.com e-mail address.”

Roberts has since been seen looking frantically for any coffee shop or restaurant that would let him sit down for nine hours straight to type out more dialogue for his adaptation.

By Chris Hudson.

Los Angeles, CA — Local comedian Doug “Douggo” Taylor is seeking a recount of attendees he was able to gather for the Hot Spot bringer style comedy show.

“This is an outrage,” declared Taylor to the two people who actually came to see him perform. “Who counted the names? I brought five, if not almost ten people into this club tonight! This producer always screws me. He’s had it out for me since I got that headlining spot over him back in ‘07. The count is off and this is clearly fraud of the highest order, and I have half a mind to take it all the way to the bartender!”

Despite the accusations, Hot Spot producer Brendan Guile stands by the count and vehemently denies wrongdoing.

“This is a foolproof system,” Guile said plainly when asked about the potential conspiracy against Taylor. “The people come through the door, I ask what comic they’re here for, and put a little check mark down next to their name. It’s real simple. He can say he brought in 10 people, but look around. There are only 15 people in the entire place.”

Experts warn that while Taylor’s refusal to agree to the count may seem benign at first, it could potentially have long-term consequences for the trustworthiness of comedic venues everywhere.

“I did my first bringer show in 1978, and back then, if you questioned a count, you’d find yourself telling jokes to some hobos under the bridge,” recalled open-mic legend Jack Doughtery. “Kids these days will upend this entire system if they’re not careful. I’ve seen a lot of things over the years, but I’ve never seen a bad count. At some point, you have to trust in the producer to do the right thing when they’re forcing you to bring 3- 10 people to a bar for a cover charge and a two-drink minimum so that they can get a percentage of the door. It’s all we have left.”

Taylor was unavailable for further comment, as he busy messaging old high school friends to see if they wanted to come out to the club.

By Ryan Danley.

Stratford-upon-Avon, England, U.K. — A recent cancellation of Thomas Fiddleswamp’s King Frog’s Dragon Castle Princess left an opening for Victorian comic Ronald Tiddlywits to fill the time with an hour of comedy, which he opened by asking how many of the audience members had been “ravished in the posterior.”

“Joyous tidings, o keen and lively rabble,” proclaimed Tiddlywits to approximately five hundred people, four hundred eighty-one of whom were wearing corsets. “Mayhaps thy dubious jester ought acquaint himself with his audience, and so I must inquire, which of thou wastrels amongst this most foul of throngs hath ever been the recipient of a thorough ravishing in their posterior?”

Audience members were less than pleased to miss the world premiere of an original play by Fiddleswamp for a comedian whom one patron referred to as “a bard of abnormal grotesqueries.”

“Perversion and macabre,” cried Archibald Poodlepark from behind a mustache that obscured the entire bottom half of his face. “I do say, no fellow who was sound of mind wouldst part ways with his hard-earned sixpence for an evening of swamp-dribble as guttural and horrific as what was witnessed this evening! The madness of it! Simply preposterous!”

At press time, Tiddlywits was rumored to have begun collaborating on an upcoming project with his only fan, Oscar Wilde.

By Tyler Dark.