The Bringer

Providence, RI — While local comedian Taylor North claims he is excited about loosening COVID restrictions and reviving live comedy, he recently admitted that when he talks about his penis into a microphone, he can’t help but wish his family was there to support him.

“It would just be nice to know they cared,” North commented sullenly after a show at B-52’s themed comedy club The Yuck Shack. “When I’m up there doing what I love, I want to know my family is in the audience, cheering me on, listening to me talk about my penis for seven straight minutes. Is it too much to ask of the North family to occasionally show some pride in its most outspoken penis?”

While she is presently averse to showing any public support for her son’s creative ventures, North’s mother Lydia admitted she has not written off her son’s comedy completely.

“Sure, I suppose I would go see one of his skits,” she said. “I would even forgive him for talking about his dingy just a little. But his skits are nothing but dingies and potty talk. It’s just pee-pee this, nookie that, and it just comes across as nasty toilet filth. I love my baby boy with all my heart, but he’s super fucking gross.”

North is apparently not the only comedian in the Providence area who wishes the people who gave him the sex talk would come out to see how terribly that talk went.

“Sometimes I wonder if my brother is the favorite child,” confessed Bri Little, a regular face at comedy clubs throughout the region. “He’s got all these college degrees and war regalia, and it kinda casts a shadow over my choice to make a career out of descriptive comparisons of my vagina to rotting fruit. One night I got paid twenty five bucks to talk at length about which Pokémon most closely resemble my clitoris, but my parents weren’t there because my brother was ‘coming home from Iraq’ or whatever. To say it hurt would be an understatement.”

In addition to lamenting the absence of his family at shows, North also expressed hope that his girlfriend will make it to a show soon to hear his new bit where he says her full name and calls her a bitch thirty times.

By Tyler Dark.

Tyler, TX — A nurse at UT Medical Center has been approached by several comedy club bookers and one late night representative after he was seen tapping on a patient’s ventilator and asking, “Hey, is this thing on?”

“I don’t think now’s the time to be thinking about comedy shows,” remarked a panicked Calvin Monaghan, who has been employed at the hospital since 2017. “Seriously, is this thing turned on? Because if not, we’ve got a big problem. This man could die a very preventable death in just minutes if we don’t turn this friggin’ thing on, you know what I mean?”

Monaghan went on to describe how he plans to balance life as a new comedian with his busy schedule working at the frontlines of an unprecedented pandemic.

“Are you kidding me?” he exclaimed as he pushed several people out of the way while attempting to locate a wall socket. “I’m not a comedian, I’m at work, and this is serious! You don’t think COVID is a threat? It was enough to take my wife! And I mean really, take her! Now stop goofing off and help me find a plug for this here breathing machine!”

Some of the most popular comedic venues in the area are now eagerly anticipating the nurse’s performance debut.

“I can tell this kid is a natural,” said Buck LaBoshe, general manager and talent booker at The Ten Gallon Ha-Ha Club in Ivanhoe. “Not only did he hit us with some comedy gold, but he stayed so dedicated to the bit. We tried to ask him if he’d like a weekend spot and he kept looking at us like we were crazy, trying to assist the patient as though he were really dedicated. Can’t wait to have him here.”

In addition to his meteroic rise to the top of the Texas comedy scene, Monaghan managed to save his patient’s life, a miracle for which he thanks the other nurses, as well as the bartenders and waitstaff.

By Tyler Dark.

Manhattan, NY — Hoping to cash in on emerging cryptocurrency trends, comedy booker Christian Adamski recently announced he is replacing traditional analog drink vouchers with his new cryptocurrency, “DrinkTicket.”

“Paying hardworking comics with complimentary drink tickets is an age old tradition,” remarked Adamski, waving his iPhone 7+ and gesturing matter-of-factly with his other hand. “But we are living in the digital era, and although I can’t explain any functional details about DrinkTicket, I can tell you that it is indeed very paperless, and is therefore the future of the industry.”

Local comic Micha Jester, a regular face at Manhattan’s Jokes ‘N Yolks Comedy & Brunch Club, offered a passionate, albeit unsolicited opinion about Adamski’s innovative new method of transactions.

“He literally just sends me an email that says ‘DrinkTicket’ three times, and a note at the bottom that says ‘This is cryptocurrency,’” claimed a visibly pissed off Jester. “Nothing is backed by any real tender, plus the bartender won’t take the vouchers because they’re paperless and apparently only work in exchange for crypto-cocktails. He thinks he’s funny, meanwhile us comics can’t even earn enough for a byte to eat.”

Adamski bombastically claims to have numerous wealthy investors, leaving many to wonder if his not-so-chicken claims of tenderless monies indicate that he’s actually a bad egg.

“I’m starting to think this ‘DrinkTicket’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,” confessed Ronald Halley, owner of Jokes ‘N Yolks and passionate pun advocate. “I can’t say these allegations of counterfeit cryptocurrency haven’t left me and the staff feeling a little, shall we say, henpecked? Perhaps we’re wondering if this guy is, I don’t know, a bit of a quack? Wait, shit, that’s ducks. Get back to me on this.”

As Adamski waved his iPhone 7+ once again, and walked backwards in the direction of the nearest exit, Jokes n’ Yolks bartender and aspiring stand-up comic Ula Bloom weighed in rhetorically, and asked, “Is this guy doing a bit… coin?”

By Ashley Ruark.

Aberdeen, MD — Local psychopath and serial murderer Jeffrey Palmer was looking forward to a typical Wednesday night of having a few drinks and thinking about how people’s skin would look as furniture when his trusty kill list was altered by someone who confused it for an open mic sign-up sheet.

“I had no idea what was going on,” Palmer said plainly through teeth still dripping with human blood. “These people had written their names erratically on my list of people I intend to turn into furniture. Then they started asking if they could go first? I thought it was odd for someone to want to be the first to be murdered, but soon after, I realized they were talking about some stupid comedy show.”

Comedian Tim Hartley, who had put his name on the list , had this to say of the sordid affair:

“I totally get it,” remarked an un-butchered Hartley, “He had a kill list, like your jokes that are going to kill during your set. Makes total sense. He shouldn’t have written his jokes on the same page as the sign-up sheet, but whatever.” When asked what he thought about the list actually being a psychopath’s roster of dismemberment victims, Hartley replied “Wait, what do you mean?”

Mr. Palmer, though confused and disappointed, has decided how he is going to proceed with the altered list.

“I’m just going to murder all of them,” he said candidly. “I could think of this as a setback, or I can treat it like an opportunity to broaden the horizons of who I torture to death. It’s more interesting, having this new list of people I don’t know, but who all do terrible comedy and will not be missed if they are kidnapped and flayed. I’m excited to start my journey, and to end so many other journeys!”

By Parker Brown.

Kalamazoo, MI — Local comedian and open mic host Bob Razzio was seen preparing diligently for last week’s show by putting on his nicest Fruit Of The Loom sweatpants.

“I just want people to know I take it seriously,” Razzio said of his ensemble, which also included a grease-stained event tee and zero deodorant. “When people approach me, they should feel like they’re talking to someone who spent all four of his dollars on his outfit. I want to be as professional as Seinfeld, and I want to look like if Seinfeld spent a week and a half eating chili rellenos in bed.”

Razzio’s roommate Eldon Martin was quick to confirm the comedian’s rapport for wearing pajamas in public.

“I charge Bob $200 a month extra in rent just to live like he lives,” explained Martin, who, by virtue of sometimes wearing jeans, is easily the best dressed member of the household. “He only has three pairs of sweatpants, but the difference it makes when he fuckin’ washes them might as well make them brand new, so in a way, I guess he’s got six. God damn, that dude stinks. Are all comics just disgusting animals?”

While some might be put off by what Razzio considers a well-assembled outfit, others didn’t think it negatively affects his comedy at all.

“I didn’t know there was comedy here,” admitted Shirley Macomber, a regular patron at Scooter’s Grub & Glug, where the open mic takes place every other Tuesday evening. “If they would have put up an event on Facebook or something, I would have liked to see comedy! I love to laugh! That would be so much better than that one weird event they do, where the guy who looks like a cigarette and smells like feet tells his friends how horny he is. Whatever that is, it’s gotta go.”

Razzio later went on to claim he has plans to purchase a pair of pants with belt loops as soon as he finds a clothing store that accepts drink tickets as currency.

By Tyler Dark.

Long Island, NY — Local comedian Vinny Tonnatoulie was recently banned from the only food delivery app that serviced his neighborhood after he allegedly tried to tip the driver in drink tickets.

“These rideshare snobs think they’re so much better than me,” Tonnatoulie grumbled angrily. “I don’t have any fuckin’ idea why this guy turned around his nose at a completely valid form of payment. Dude could’ve gotten two PBRs at The Big Hole down off 3rd Street. He could’ve used my name and gotten a free shot of Beam on the house.”

The incident took place last Friday at 12:45 A.M., when Tonnatoulie ordered two large pizzas from Mario’s Sliceria via the Postmates delivery app.

“I’m actually fuckin’ banned from callin’ that place,” the alleged continued. “They told me ‘Vinny, you always call us and yell slurs at us after midnight. That’s not a pizza order.’ So, I gotta use the fuckin’ app. What the hell ever happened to the customer always being right?”

Siddhartha Rodriguez, the driver who delivered the pizzas that night, explained what really happened on the night in question.

When Rodriguez handed the pizzas to Tonnatoulie, he was compensated with “a sweaty twenty dollar bill and small red raffle tickets,” at which point, Tonnatoulie “started speaking in a made-up language” before ultimately “chugging a beer and throwing the crumpled can” in Rodriguez’s face.

Tonnatoulie has now been forced to only get slices of pizza from eateries that are within walking distance of his apartment; there’s been no indication that he will ever be let back on Postmates again.

By Chris Hudson.

Trenton, NJ — Club promoter and self-appointed “Pied Piper of greater Jersey” Leon Dibatista, has cancelled Turnpikes’s open mic night with as much haste and drunken whimsy as he originally booked the event in the first place.

“We needed asses in those seats,” exclaimed a dumbfounded Dibatista, who may have been grossly exploiting the trust of first-time club owners. “It’s a simple process: I take the money, give a small portion of it to whatever schmuck is hosting, and pawn off all my promotional duties onto them. Then I head down to Atlantic City, and bada-bing, bada-boom, I owe my bookie even more money. Rinse and repeat. And yet, this open mic manages to flop. I just don’t get it.” 

Slamming the point of his index finger to the bar top and leaning aggressively, Dibatista declared that the open mic comedy night will be cancelled indefinitely, unless, “that meatball host gets some cheeks in these chairs, ya know what I mean?”

A tall order, for an average height, average looking, Matthew Garfield, host of recently cancelled Turnpikes’ “Open Mic Monday.”

“I brought my own stage, lighting, sound, and I’m hosting the show,” said Garfield, bewildered. “I bring an apprentice to help me move in the equipment, dial in the sound, and organize the sign-up roster. They are paying me $25 and two free drink vouchers. I promote all of these shows on social media, but somehow, this Leon bastard is a ‘promoter?’ You’re shitting me.”

Dibatista claims that Turnpikes has a nostalgic charm, and that the elderly owners do not wish to utilize online promotions, preferring instead to employ “old-school” marketing like word of mouth, print, and forgetting there’s a show altogether.

As the city of Trenton says goodbye to its only Monday night comedy open mic, sources have confirmed that it is now safe to assume that Mr. Garfield definitely hates Mondays.

By Ashley Ruark.

Austin, TX — Comics and comedy fans across the Southwest are mourning the untimely loss of the mildly funny and remarkably well-dressed Mark “Zippy” Zypultski, who died last week in a horrifying tie-straightening accident.

“Zippy was always dressed real sharp,” remarked friend and colleague Lonnie Sanchez. “I knew him for almost twenty years, and I never saw his Adam’s apple once. That’s how high and tight he wore his button-downs. We used to kid that he’d choke himself by wearing shirts with an 11-inch neck, but he insisted on it because he had a closing bit about his fat, meaty throat. What I wouldn’t give to see that fat, meaty throat one more time.”

While Zypultski’s fatal mishap was out of the ordinary, it was not the first time a comedian’s death was wardrobe-related.

“I know of at least four people who’ve died because of something they wore on stage,” claimed Ricky Blizzard, owner of Blizzard’s Belly Laugh in downtown Austin. “This Zippy guy is the first one to go from a necktie though. It’s usually comics who freeze to death or succumb to hypothermia, which is exactly what those pricks deserved for wearing shorts on my stage.”

Zypultski’s family is currently arranging a memorial service, where attendees will be encouraged to dress formally, but only at their own risk.

By Tyler Dark & Al Salcido.

New York, NY — Stand-up comic Tyler Hay continues to identify as a “bonafide New York comedian,” despite the fact he has yet to write a single joke about homeless people pleasuring themselves on the subway.

“I thought Tyler was a funny, New York type of guy,” reported comedy club attendant Derek Hartford. “However, it was pointed out to me that throughout the course of his shows, Tyler had yet to make a single reference to witnessing a homeless person committing acts of onanism while taking one of our city’s major forms of transport. I feel so very betrayed by this. When are you going to shoot this comedy load onto our faces, Tyler? See, I just did it and it wasn’t even hard, no pun intended. And there’s another!”

Longtime New York comedian Anthony Ricci had this to say about Hay’s “NY comedian” status.

“Come on man,” sneered a clearly irked Ricci. “Do you think you’re better than us or something? You don’t need to resort to jokes about dudes yankin’ it in front of everyone? Shit, do you even ride the subway Tyler? I’m starting to think this poser might be from Jersey, because watching a homeless guy jerk off is practically a right of passage around here.”

When asked for comment, Mr. Hay spoke out in defense of his lack of homeless-people-masturbating jokes.

“First off, to the guy who said I’m from Jersey, fuck you,” an appalled Hay clarified. “I live in Queens and I take the subway just like anyone else. Secondly, I don’t know, maybe I just think that mocking people with clear mental illnesses is in bad taste. I’ve been told not to punch down, and mocking the masturbating homeless feels a lot like if I were to, say, do a bit in which I mock the masturbating homeless.”

Hay was further scrutinized by his fellow comedians for refusing to make a single “LOL-That-Person-Is-Secretly-Gay” joke during a recent roast.

By Stephen Bell.

Palm Beach, FL — Following weeks of fallout due to an attempted coup, disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump has permanently banned from Tony’s Tiki Hut’s very popular Tuesday night comedy open mic.

“Trump has been coming in for years,” said host Al Flannery. “He was a pain to work with, would just sort of walk on stage whenever, even in the middle of someone else’s set! And with this whole ‘overthrow the government’ thing, he had to go. It was a hard choice because, as comedians, we’re proponents of free speech. But I can’t let anyone use their stage time to install a fascist regime. You have to draw the line somewhere.”

While the decision was hard, club owner Tony Mandanowitz supported the decision to bar Trump from performing.

“I’ll admit, the guy did bring a crowd,” Mandanowitz confessed from his office. “But I’m not sure it was the right crowd for the Tiki Hut. There’s only so many times you can tell people this establishment doesn’t carry the latest flavor of Monster Energy drink. And his bit about hanging Pence was cringe to say the least.”

White House sources claim the newest ex-president is fuming about the exclusion.

“That once-great open mic has been failing for so long,” lamented a forlorn Trump from a Hardee’s in Tampa. “Sad. I am the funniest comic to ever be on their stage. Big laughs. Some say the biggest laughs ever. We will show them. I will be working out my 15 minutes at Cassidy’s Sports Bar on Sunday nights. I’ll send you a Facebook invite. Oh, wait…”

Trump was unavailable for further comment after being advised by lawyers not to say another fucking word until the dust from his numerous looming court cases settles.

By Ryan Danley.