The Bringer

Tuscon, AZ — Sources on social media have confirmed that Dave Rogers, a local accountant with Addington & Associates, has been inspired by a comedian in his life to change his name on Facebook to “Dave ‘The Accountant’ Rogers”.

The idea occurred to Rogers after he came across the profile of Maurice “2Funny4Words” Sharp, and noticed that his profile picture was a show flyer. “I saw that and thought, shoot, I should be promoting like this fellow,” claimed Rogers. “No wonder he’s gotten himself on flashy posters like the one on his Facebook! I mean, how is anyone supposed to know I’m an accountant if it isn’t literally spelled out in my actual name?”

His presumption was apparently correct, because within days of the change, his business began to boom. Dozens of new clients have reached out to Addington & Associates, hoping to connect with “The Accountant”.

“It really has been stunning,” boasted Regional Vice President, Chuck “The Realest Of Regional VP’s” Dorchester. “The phones are off the hook and everyone wants to talk ‘The Accountant’. They tell us they’ve never seen such amazing marketing in their lives. Whoever that comedian Dave knows is, he must make a killing!”

Customers at Addington & Associates, like Regina Hunter of Oro Valley, claim that while their service has not noticeably improved, there is something comforting about their new level of professionalism.

“My investment portfolio has seen no gains in recent weeks. In fact, it’s doing quite poorly,” Hunter explained. “But to know that I am working with people who go that extra mile to assure that I know exactly what their profession is, that’s a comfort money can’t buy. I just wish my son, Randall ‘The Unemployed Jobseeker’ Hunter would take similar initiative.”

The boom in business for “The Accountant” may end up being short-lived, however; he is currently being sued by Maurice “2Funny4Words” Sharp, who complained that Rogers “stole his bit”.

By Tyler Dark.

San Jose, CA — Sources from within the San Jose comedy scene have confirmed that local comedian Kyle Worthington has recently suffered from a series of terrible nightmares, during which he forgets to make a crass or unwanted comment to the only woman on the lineup of a comedy show.

“Every night, it’s the same thing,” recounted Worthington as he fought back the harrowing memory. “I’m watching a female colleague leave the stage at a show, and I sit there applauding politely, instead of yelling something that will make her uncomfortable. Then she just walks away unbothered, and it’s horrible… just horrible. Even thinking about it makes me shudder.”

While being a professional comedian is the aspiration of millions, the road to success can take a toll on a person’s emotional and psychological well-being, according to Dr. Minnie Kaplan, acclaimed psychologist and author of the best-selling book, If They’re Booing, They’re Paying Attention.

“The stress and late nights that go hand-in-hand with being a touring comic are enough to make anyone exhausted,” Dr. Kaplan explained. “Fears of failure can often manifest themselves during dreams. For instance, a comic might dream he is doing something embarrassing, like speaking gibberish or exhibiting basic human decency.”

Friends of Worthington have been offering their support, through social media posts and in person at comedy shows, where he continues to perform.

“It’s so inspiring to see Kyle keep getting up night after night, knowing what he’s going through,” remarked Angie Northrop, a comedian who was on the lineup at a recent show with Worthington. “He’s still his old misogynistic self on stage, but I can tell he is suffering. So I made sure to catcall myself as I walked offstage at our last show together, just to let him know he was among friends.”

For comics like Worthington, there is no known treatment for dreams of this nature, but some doctors claim they can be decreased by limiting food consumption before 2 AM, and not being a total shit to the women in your life.

By Tyler Dark.

Portland, OR — A local comedy fan was hardly laughing last weekend at The Chuckle Bucket Comedy Club, when he was told by waitstaff that, due to having multiple personalities, he would have to adhere to a 14-drink minimum in order to see the show.

“I was absolutely appalled,” recalled Chloe Reiner, a friend of the patron who was with him at the club that night. “The tickets are already eighteen bucks, and on top of that (name redacted) is supposed to buy booze for all his personalities? Three of them don’t even drink! How does a place stay in business with requirements like this?”

The discomfort was palpable throughout the showroom, as tensions rose between the patron and waitstaff minutes before a packed Saturday night show was set to begin.

“I felt bad breaking the news to them, but rules are rules,” said Cody Gillespie, a server at The Chuckle Bucket. “The only way someone can tolerate more than ten minutes in a place called ‘The Chuckle Bucket’ is with substantial amounts of alcohol in their system. Who’s to say this guy can’t switch from a buzzed personality to a sober one? I don’t know how that stuff works, I just serve drinks and pretend to like whoever’s on stage.”

Comedians from all over Portland have come to the aid of The Chuckle Bucket since the incident, which resulted in a lot of negative feedback across social media. Many of them believe the venue was in the right.

“Nobody who hasn’t worked in this business can possibly know how difficult it can be to turn a profit,” declared Sean Wharton, a veteran comic of seven months. “If this guy didn’t want to buy fourteen drinks, maybe some of his personalities could have stayed home, you know what I mean? Oh, sorry, was that too edgy for you?”

While The Chuckle Bucket declined a request for comment, they did release a formal apology on their Facebook page, in which they offered the patron a free garnish in his next drink at their establishment.

By Tyler Dark.

Wilmington, DE – As COVID-19 restrictions continue to be loosened, live comedy is making a slow but steady comeback nationwide. With many regular venues are operating at limited capacity, bookers are having to move shows outdoors, as is the case with Matthew Oakley and Steve Norris, producers of Delaware Campfire Comedy Night. The show will be the first of its kind in the area, and to make guests feel comfortable, it will even feature a 2-s’more minimum.

“Comedy shows are hard enough to produce without the element of being outdoors,” explained Oakley, who has made dozens of dollars in his years of producing shows. “We wanted the experience to feel as authentic as possible, which is why tickets are $25, the seats are uncomfortable, and guests are required to purchase at least two s’mores, which are $8 a pop.” Norris echoed his coproducer’s sentiments, saying that live comedy “doesn’t need a comedy club to be grimy and overpriced.”

The lineup will feature some of the best talent in the city’s comedy scene, including Arturo Bonilla, who will close out the event by premiering his new hour-long special.

“I had originally invested thousands of dollars and months worth of free time into the production of my special, but coronavirus fucked that up. Plus, I have some material that is super relevant, so although an outdoor show isn’t ideal, I know the world needs my special right now. And while I wish I could get paid in cash, the VIP fire pit access and exposure is one VIP fire pit more than any club has ever paid me.”

Campfire Comedy Night will take place at Canby Park next Saturday night at 8 PM, and preparations have already begun. While volunteers assemble a makeshift stage, the Dept. of Parks and Recreation has made sure that the whole production process goes smoothly.

“We are all very excited to have a comedy show at Canby Park,” commented Parks and Rec coordinator Lacy Stallworth. “Nothing about giving comedians a microphone in front of picnicking families makes us the least bit nervous. They’ll just be paying egregious amounts of money to do what they typically do for free, except this time, the kids can enjoy a few dick jokes and mom can stumble on her words when a 20-year-old guy in a cargo shirt asks if she’s on Tinder.”

Proceeds from Delaware Campfire Comedy Night will also benefit an unnamed foundation that provides financial aid to comedians who are currently being forced to rely on the proceeds of an outdoor comedy show.

By Tyler Dark.