Baltimore, MD — Marcus Ashley, who proclaimed with bombast that he was “totally a stoner comedian” at his last open mic performance, is apparently the least frequent marijuana smoker at any given comedy showcase he appears on, sources confirmed.
“I got a huge bong in my room and I love lighting that thing up,” boasted Ashley in reference to a bubbler he has not touched since 2019. “Yeah, you could say I’m a bit of a stoner. My last sesh, which was a little over three weeks ago, was wild. I broke out the tube and hit it more times than I can count. Did I mention that I can only count to four?”
Less than amused by his cannabis-oriented material were the fellow comedians and consummate stoners on the lineup at a recent downtown showcase.
“Guy’s a fuckin’ poser,” declared Macy Oliver, who hosts a biweekly comedy variety show in the city and smokes no less than four grams of dried cannabis flower per day. “All he talks about is smoking weed and it’s like, yeah dude, everyone smokes weed. I’m half a blunt deep before I get out of bed in the afternoon, but you don’t hear me talking about it constantly.”
Ashley’s weed dealer was also quick to confirm the comedian’s lack of tolerance for cannabis consumption.
“I’ve never seen him hit the bowl without coughing like a bitch,” reported Kyle Ellander, who has not received a “hey bro u good rite now?” text message from Ashley in over a month. “He’s always way too gassed up to come over, gets really excited and kills the vibe. I used to smoke him up as a courtesy, but he’d get so high after one hit he kept forgetting to pay me. Literally the worst stoner, and probably the worst comedian ever.”
According to additional sources, Ashley was seen at a local pharmacy just days ago asking a sales associate if they sold eyedrops that made your eyes more red.
By Tyler Dark.
The Bringer 