Denver, CO — Nine comedians/audience members of a recent show at Squeezy’s Cafe in downtown Denver have been confirmed dead following an open mic event that, by all accounts, could have been much worse.
“This is truly a tragic loss which will be felt deeply by the local arts community for a long time,” said owner Barry Squeezemeister. “But that being said, all things considered, I think the show actually went pretty well. In general, I mean. We really waited until we could reopen as safely as possible before we decided to start having events again. But the way open mics go, there’s always going to be some collateral casualties somehow.”
Area stand-up comic and UberEats applicant Wendall Holmes reflected on his harrowing but still kinda okay experience at the open mic.
“It had been so long since I’d performed anywhere that I was really nervous to get up there,” commented Holmes while working out his brand new what’s-the-deal-with-candlelight-vigils bit. “Thankfully, everything seemed to work out fine in the end. Sure, it’s a bummer that all those guys died – if they hadn’t, I might have gained nine new Twitter followers. But at least the PA worked right for once, so all in all, not a bad show.”
Despite the so-so reception from Denver’s open mic community, some have criticized the recent event for causing what they see as undue fatalities.
“Goddammit,” exclaimed paramedic Rodney Copmston. “We go through this same shit after every open mic that gets put on in this city. We only have a limited number of ambulances available for emergency services and open mics stretch our resources even thinner! And for what? So some drunk nobody can try out their new Jack Nicholson impression? That’s not even a fresh reference! What a waste!”
At press time, Squeezy’s announced that all future open mic events would begin with an in-memoriam reel commemorating deceased attendees.
By James Knapp.
The Bringer 