Masks Required at COVID-Safe Open Mic, With Exception of Everyone, One At a Time, for Five Minutes Each

Trenton, NJ — As COVID-19 restrictions continue to loosen nationwide, one comedy open mic is laying down the law by requiring masks at all times, with the unique exception of the performing comedian, a distinction passed around to each person in the cramped back room of Beauregard Tavern for five minutes at a time.

“People are rightfully concerned about their safety when going out to a public comedy night, and now with all this COVID stuff it’s like ten times worse,” said open mic host Bonzer Fonstock. “That’s why we have a strict policy: Nobody gets in without a mask. And the mask only comes off once you’re onstage… or if you have to yell at someone on the other side of the room, or if you have something really funny to say. Otherwise, no mask, no dice.”

“Legally I’m also supposed to make an exception for people seated at their tables with food or drinks,” Fonstock added. “But thankfully, there are no audience members and comics don’t spend money.”

While some local comedians are unhappy about the venue’s strict safety measures, they’re willing to comply if it means getting the chance to practice their craft.

“I mean, it’s all total fucking bullshit,” said amateur standup Tyler Pourche. “Their temperature gun broke, so they just started doing forehead pat downs at the door. But I’ll play along if it gets me some much needed stage therapy. Quarantine was the hardest six weeks of my life and I’m never going back. I’d rather die than spend another minute in my own head, and I’ll take a whole nursing home with me. Anyway, it’s like I tell people at my grocery store job: If you don’t want to get sick, just stay home.”

While not everyone was elated to follow unfamiliar regulations, the evening ultimately went off without a hitch, largely due to the entire group of offstage comedians listening from outside.

By Tom Peters.