Dover, DE — Heavy drinker of sixteen years and comedian of three months Jeff LaRoux was ecstatic to discover that there is such a thing in the world of stand-up as “drink minimums.”
“This shit keeps getting better,” LaRoux belched. “Normally when I go out somewhere, they tell me to stop drinking after a certain point, so I’m more used to drink maximums, if you will. They’ve even got my picture up at some places to let staff know I can’t drink anything! And the whole time, all I had to do was tell some jokes for people to make me have at least two drinks? Shit, don’t threaten me with a good time!”
LaRoux’s friend Thomas Albertson, who had encouraged him to try the performing arts as an escape from an otherwise damaging lifestyle, now worries that his suggestion may have backfired.
“What a disaster,” said an exasperated Albertson of LaRoux’s most recent performance. “I tried to explain to him that the drink minimums were for the customers, not the comics, but then he started offering to drink up people’s minimums for them. I understand some comedians wanting to loosen up with a drink before a show, but Jeff’s already three deep by the time he gets out of bed. He’s had all the social lubrication anyone could need, or for that matter, survive.”
Perhaps unlike his friends, the comedians who have worked with LaRoux in his short tenure have expressed appreciation for easing some of what they consider a burden to the industry.
“That guy is fuckin’ wild,” commented Jacklyn Armstrong, who recently had to follow LaRoux at a sold-out comedy show. “He bought most of the tickets to the show just so he could say he had no choice but to drink fifty eight drinks. I love it; we can say we sold all the tickets, and nobody has to worry about whether or not they have had enough drinks, because this one absolute tank of a man has it covered.”
Additional sources confirmed that while LaRoux was undeniably excited about “drink minimums,” he practically shrieked with joy when they told him about “drink tickets.”
By Tyler Dark.
The Bringer 