You know folks, something’s been on my mind lately, and maybe you’ve seen this too. Have you ever noticed these guys who call themselves comedians who won’t stop talking about me? These hack losers who think they’re the voice of a generation and who can’t seem to keep my name out of their mouths?
Hey, I know I’m nothing to write home about. I’m no filet with asparagus, okay? Hell, I’m usually just some peanuts or crackers with your choice from a limited selection of soft drinks. So why have these unshaven, mediocre white men made me their premiere topic of conversation?
Do I even cross people’s minds that often? Before these unfunny talent vacuums made me a household name, I was a very minor detail in people’s lives. I was surprised to learn that people thought about me at all! But as it turns out, you’ve all been silently regarding how bland I am! Fly first class if you want flavor, you ungrateful pricks!
You know what’s even funnier than me? Airport food! That shit is fifty yards away from me most of the time and let me tell you, the jokes practically write themselves. And not just the restaurants! People drop forty seven dollars on a snow globe and a bottle of water at these souvenir shops, then they can’t bring either on the plane because it’s too much fluid. That’s ridiculous! How have we not pivoted to jokes about that?
And don’t think that I can’t take a joke either, because I am very capable of laughing at myself. So why don’t any of the funny comedians have anything to say about me? It’s either a dumpy thirty-something in pajamas or a puppet-looking guy wearing a suit, asking, “What’s the deal with me?” Motherfucker, what’s the deal with you?
By Tyler Dark.
The Bringer 