Aberdeen, MD — Local psychopath and serial murderer Jeffrey Palmer was looking forward to a typical Wednesday night of having a few drinks and thinking about how people’s skin would look as furniture when his trusty kill list was altered by someone who confused it for an open mic sign-up sheet.
“I had no idea what was going on,” Palmer said plainly through teeth still dripping with human blood. “These people had written their names erratically on my list of people I intend to turn into furniture. Then they started asking if they could go first? I thought it was odd for someone to want to be the first to be murdered, but soon after, I realized they were talking about some stupid comedy show.”
Comedian Tim Hartley, who had put his name on the list , had this to say of the sordid affair:
“I totally get it,” remarked an un-butchered Hartley, “He had a kill list, like your jokes that are going to kill during your set. Makes total sense. He shouldn’t have written his jokes on the same page as the sign-up sheet, but whatever.” When asked what he thought about the list actually being a psychopath’s roster of dismemberment victims, Hartley replied “Wait, what do you mean?”
Mr. Palmer, though confused and disappointed, has decided how he is going to proceed with the altered list.
“I’m just going to murder all of them,” he said candidly. “I could think of this as a setback, or I can treat it like an opportunity to broaden the horizons of who I torture to death. It’s more interesting, having this new list of people I don’t know, but who all do terrible comedy and will not be missed if they are kidnapped and flayed. I’m excited to start my journey, and to end so many other journeys!”
By Parker Brown.
The Bringer 