Portland, OR – Local white comedian Ron Johnson, who just took to the stage at the One-Shot open mic, would just like a minute to explain himself, according to sources.
“I just need a quick minute to explain what I said. You’re all taking the whole thing out of context,” Johnson said while prowling the makeshift stage. “Do you know how diverse my friendship group is? You should meet my sister’s kid. I didn’t realize that everyone was this sensitive. If you only knew what was in my heart you would know that I’m okay! Let me tell you a couple of stories from my past and this should clear this up…”
Fellow open mic comedian Rachelle Mylar was both surprised and horrified to see Johnson back on the stage after his recent performance.
“I can’t believe that guy is back after that bit he tried last week,” lamented Mylar quietly from a booth at the back of the bar. “I know he was talked to after the show. Normally I don’t listen to his set, but when he started in on that shit, it was hard to ignore. And now that he’s up there trying to smooth things over, and it’s actually making it worse. His reasoning is actually more terrible than the stupid joke. Just go to another mic, dude. Try one in the suburbs. They go for that bullshit out there.”
While Johnson’s ridiculous attempt may seem small, Grant Dunbar, President of the American Open Mic Society, warns that this represents a disturbing trend in the industry.
“Oh sure, at this mic it’s this one guy,” claimed Dunbar from a local comedy club whose owner requested anonymity. “But we are seeing a dramatic rise in the use of precious stage time for this. Our analytics show by this time in 2022, 90% of the open-mic time will just be white cis males trying to cover their asses. The unfortunate part about this is, we aren’t seeing white guys actually improve what they are saying to begin with. They are just increasing how good they are at apologizing for it. That’s an unsustainable system.”
Johnson was unavailable for further comment as he was busy writing a strongly worded tweet about “Cancel Culture.”
By Ryan Danley.
The Bringer 