East Hampton, N.Y. — Unbelievably successful superstar comedian Jerry Seinfeld, who has enough money for five hundred lifetimes, is going through some horrific trials and tribulations lately, due to the excessive political correctness plaguing college campuses nationwide.
“College crowds are too politically correct and sensitive,” lamented Seinfeld, a literal billionaire. “Being unable to perform at colleges has made me deeply depressed. The stress it causes is honestly akin to PTSD. Sure, I don’t need colleges, because I can play to sold out stadiums around the globe where the price of admission is $1000 and your first born child. But these college crowds have really got me down in the dumps.”
In a recent interview, done over the phone while he was on his private jet to Paris, this comedian opened up about the unspeakably painful battle he’s been fighting.
“These overly politically correct kids have really made my life pretty difficult,” he confessed between mouthfuls of beluga caviar. “I don’t think they understand how arrogant and tone deaf they sound.”
As we speak, this comic is wiping his eyes with hundred dollar bills while he bawls in his golden bathtub because he can’t do college shows. He’s so depressed that he can’t even work up the appetite to eat his dinner of rare panda and liquified diamonds that his robot butler prepared for him.
This man is so stressed that he can’t even enjoy his favorite downtime hobby of paying millions of dollars to random civilians to make them fight to the death for his amusement.
Hopefully, this billionaire comedian can one day live this dream of telling jokes in an auditorium at the University Of Wyoming. But until then, life is nothing but pain.
By Drew Landry.
The Bringer 