North Hampstead, NY — Local, self-proclaimed comedian Carl Winger has recently been accused of what some describe as “crimes against humanity” after taking his Hinge date to an open mic where he was slated to perform.
“My initial thought was that this chick would dig a guy who performs for a living,” recalled Winger, who has never made money doing comedy. “How often do you get asked out, and your date ends up being the entertainment you are out to see? I thought it might be like a Ron Burgundy, jazz flute situation, but as it turns out, open mic comedy doesn’t produce the same results.”
Winger allegedly texted his date, who requested anonymity, to meet at The Green Boot for a quick drink.Within 6 minutes of them meeting, a host walked into the corner of the room with a mic and said “before we start, I wanna thank you guys for supporting live comedy.” A majority of bar patrons escaped safely before the first “..soooo any of you guys smoke weed?” was uttered by a moderately chubby man in a black hoodie mere minutes later.
“I don’t know what this creep was thinking,” shuddered the anonymous date. “One time, a guy I met online took me to his brother’s funeral, and tried to make out with me in front of the open casket. I would rather relive that memory every day for the rest of my life than be subjected to another open mic. God, it was awful.”
The woman recalled that Winger had mentioned that he does stand-up at one point during their text conversations the previous week, but had no idea that what seemed like a harmless piece of personal trivia was actually a dire warning.
Winger went on stage to perform his material, in what witnesses called “a vagina-drying moment of tragedy.” His set included observations about dating apps, a vividly graphic description of how often he masturbates, and an impression of Donald Trump was so ghastly it may singlehandedly get him re-elected.
The woman politely escaped by the end of the open mic, determined to never let this happen again. When reached for comment, Winger replied that he “still doesn’t why he she hasn’t texted him back.” He is currently facing 25-to-life in a maximum security prison.
By Drew Landry.
The Bringer 