Philadelphia, PA – A microphone named Chip is reportedly excited to start life anew in the big city, at Philadelphia’s own Fun Fun Comedy Club, after leaving behind a quiet existence at a church in Bucks County.
When Chip felt the call to explore the secular realm several months ago, he began cutting out purposefully during mass, until Reverend Armand Lee grew tired of his antics, and sold him on Craigslist.
“I just wanted to feel what it was like to have someone other than Reverend Lee speak through me as a vessel of the word of the Lord,” expressed Chip. “For once, I wanted to taste the spice of life on the breath of a half-drunk amateur comedian! I wanted to bathe in the bright light that they flash in front of comics to tell them to get the hell off stage!”
We were there Sunday night for Chip’s first night of action, a three-hour comedy open mic. Chip’s bubbly excitement soon faded after the first ten comedians all bombed horribly. After the show, Chip appeared downright depressed and sported a few new dents from a Tinder bit that had gone awry. When we asked if his new vocation was all that he thought it would be, Chip broke down and sobbed.
“Brothers and sisters! I hath strayed, and in my aimless sojourn, stumbled upon the Devil’s Playground, a house of wickedness! A man has licked me during an oral sex joke! I have had unclean words enter unto my body, and though I wash myself with many Clorox wipes, the stain on me is clear to the Lord, our God. He knows I have sinned.”
When we followed up a few days later with Chip via email, he let us know that he had confessed his sins to Reverend Lee, who forgave him and repurchased him from Fun Fun Comedy Club. Chip also stressed that he was attempting to atone for his sins through missionary work as the microphone for a small church in Liberia.
By Damien Wendy.
The Bringer 