Manhattan, NY — Comedian and Saturday Night Live cast member Pete Davidson announced last week that there was no way he was paying $20 to stream his new film, The King of Staten Island.
“Twenty bones? No fuckin’ way, dog,” remarked Davidson to reporters through a cloud of black cherry vapor. “I could get like, ten bucks worth of loud and some dank food for that money. I mean, I worked really hard on the movie, which I dedicated to my mother and my homies, but I’ll just find a way to hack it if it’s that expensive.”
Friends of Davidson were mostly in agreement with what they consider a “fiscally conservative” business decision.
“Yo, my boy Pete’s smart as shit,” claimed Brandon “FuckParty” Chester, Davidson’s friend and personal accountant. “Check it out, right? Pete’s makin’ this much doing SNL, but other than that, he doesn’t do shit. My guy’s gotta think about how to pay for essentials, like gym shorts and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. Dude can’t be out blowin’ his money to watch his major motion picture debut, you feel me?”
SNL creator Lorne Michaels was less than pleased to hear that the show’s golden child was unwilling to muster up twenty dollars to watch his own movie.
“Let me make this clear, I am in love with Pete Davidson,” declared Michaels without being asked. “I have unabashed faith in his talent. He can ruin ten sketches and I’ll be there to cast him in an eleventh. I haven’t seen his movie, because twenty dollars? Are you kidding me? Still, in my eyes, Pete can do no wrong. He deserves to see every bit of his underwhelming, below-average work, and say to himself, ‘That’s me. I did that.’ God damn it, I love that boy.”
While nobody in their right mind is about to pay such an egregious amount of money for some immature douche bag’s side project, one anonymous source who streamed it illegally claimed that it is “basically Don Jon, but with worse tattoos.”
By Tyler Dark.
The Bringer 