Eugene, OR — A team of archaeologists has broken ground on the burial site of ancient Neanderthals, and has uncovered shocking evidence that not only did our biological predecessors have open mics, but that those open mics sucked just as much as they do today.
“We were completely astonished by our findings,” remarked Dr. Jennifer Lindgren, President of The University of Oregon’s school of Biology. “To know that comedy, bad comedy, goes back so far opens doors for the study of evolution. I mean, we found a rock with primitive markings whose meaning we deduced was, ‘Have you heard about this fire stuff?’ Twenty-thousand years old and it’s still cringe-worthy!”
Perhaps the most profound discovery made by Lindgren’s team was the well-preserved remains of one particular troglodyte, whom scientists are now referring to as “Burtza”.
“The information we have been able to gather from ‘Burtza’ alone is incredible,” said Lawrence Cornblatt, a student of Dr. Lindgren who was present for the excavation. “We know that he was of medium height, that he had no offspring, and that his contributions to the group he was in were little to none. He seems to have served virtually no purpose other than being terribly unfunny.”
Comedians and comedy fans around the globe have reacted to the news with mixed feelings; some folks are thrilled with the discoveries, while others are more skeptical of the science behind them.
“Personally, I’d like to see some more information,” proclaimed Dale Schatz, open mic comic and Bill Engvall super-fan. “There is a lot of evidence to prove that the open mics we run don’t suck. Now they say we’ve sucked for thousands of years? You mean to tell me this stuff has been annoying and dumb since the dawn of man? I just have my doubts.”
Shortly after his remains were discovered, “Burtza” became the subject of some harsh scrutiny for a joke in which he used an offensive slur to refer to hunter-gatherers.
By Tyler Dark.
The Bringer 