Set List or Manifesto? These Dick Jokes Were Clearly Written in Anger.

New Orleans, LA — Aspiring comedian and community college dropout Kevin Murphy signed up for his first open mic this week. Although his jokes have never been heard by an audience, they have caused quite a commotion in the Murphy household since his set list was discovered by his parents, who could not tell if they were reading jokes or a manifesto, as the penis-related material it contained was visibly written in anger.

“We would never have approved of him trying to do comedy if we had known what comedy had become in recent years,” said Melissa Murphy, Kevin’s mother and avid fan of Big Bang Theory. “He wrote ‘Women should still fuck me!’ five times in a row, followed by ‘CLOSER’ in parenthesis. Do people really think this stuff is funny? Because I just think it’s upsetting.”

The 34-year-old has since been grounded by his parents, and will be confined to his bedroom, which is also the basement, on the night of the open mic where he was slated to debut his jokes. While he expressed displeasure toward the circumstances, he acknowledged that it was not all bad.

“I honestly think this might be a sign that the world isn’t ready for my comedy,” confessed Murphy as he licked Cheeto dust from his forefinger. “I mean, some of the stuff is a little dark, like my bit about jerking off at a funeral home. But it’s groundbreaking, and probably a little before its time. Plus, my parents would hate to see me skyrocket to fame, ‘cause then I’d have to move out!”

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” interrupted his father Al, who stormed into the room the second he heard his son’s remarks. “We want so desperately to see him gone, and I don’t care that he’s sitting right there. If those bizarre, heavily phallic musings he calls jokes are how he plans to make something of himself, I’m afraid he’s going to be here forever.”

While the majority of Murphy’s jokes are completely unfit to be read by anyone under any circumstances, the ones that were okay can be seen on Anthony Jeselnik’s latest special, Fire In The Maternity Ward, where he stole them from.

By Kurt Ryan.