Ellicott City, MD — Local stand-up comic and producer, Tyler Fordham, has learned the dangers of mixing business with pleasure, and has decided to stop humping the stool he brings on stage with him before things start getting too serious.
“It started off as something casual,” claimed Fordham. “I was in the middle of a bit one night, and I decided to hump the stool a few times. No big deal. Hell, I am pretty sure a couple of my buddies humped it the same night, and it didn’t even bother me. But humping became caressing, which led to some late-night texts. Then the wet dreams started, and I knew I was in over my head.”
Humping the stool is a longtime tradition for comics whose material requires imitating a sexual act to be funny. It is up to them to draw the line before feelings get involved, and that can prove to be difficult, according to Howie Schelt, a lifelong Baltimorean and comedian of over 40 years.
“I remember working The Bust-A-Gut Club back in ‘89,” reminisced Shelt. “They had a stool there that made all the guys crazy. A couple of ‘em damn near fell in love with that stool, couldn’t stop humpin’ it to save their lives. It’s tricky business to start humpin’, you never know what it could lead to.”
Some comics have made a conscious decision to completely refrain from stool-humping, like Jon Poynter, a close friend of Fordham, who identifies as a “stool-celibate comedian”.
“Stool-celibacy is all about willpower,” explained Poynter loudly, as he used his hand to guard himself from the tantalizing view of a nearby stool. “That’s what I had to explain to Tyler – you cant let the burning desire to connect your pelvis to that stool distract you from what’s important: your jokes about sex and weed.”
While Fordham claims to be on the mend, and to have a sexual partner who is animate, an anonymous source claims he recently got an apartment with a rather voluptuous mic stand.
By Tyler Dark.
The Bringer 