Mahwah, NJ — Comedians from across New Jersey have been talking nonstop about Jonathan Pitzer, a new voice on the scene who has been described as “not great at comedy, but super creepy to women”. This begs the question: could this guy be the next Chris D’Elia?
“Right away, I knew he was something special,” said local comic Lauren Mulligan, who produces an open mic night at Shiner’s Pub, where Pitzer recently performed. “The way he exuded total confidence while nobody laughed was amazing. He may have gotten three light chuckles in five minutes before he did a mic-drop and walked off stage.” Mulligan also claims that no more than a half hour after his set, Pitzer made shameless unwanted sexual advances on the youngest looking girl at the show. “You see behavior like that,” she said, “and you know someone’s got what it takes to be the next D’Elia.”
The path to comedic superstardom is a long and arduous one that takes years of sacrifice, hard work, and misogyny; few people have the disrespect for women required to be a professional comedian. And in an industry overflowing with hopefuls, it is becoming more and more difficult for bookers to figure out who among the new talent has real star quality.
“Every now and then, you see someone who reminds you of the greats,” commented Larry Eckel, owner of Owner of Yuck-Yuck’s Comedy Cellar in Ramsey, NJ. Yuck-Yuck’s hosts a competition for new comedians each year, and Pitzer is poised to win the championship next month. “Maybe some bozo tries to feel up the waitstaff, or dedicates his entire set to a rape joke about a woman on the lineup, and suddenly you remember the first time you saw Chris D’Elia perform. That’s how I feel about this Pitzer kid. That little creep is going places.”
His ambition as a sex criminal with below-average writing skills isn’t the only thing that has people comparing Pitzer to D’Elia; he is also genuinely grateful to his fanbase, so much so, that he makes a point to reach out to them on a direct and individual basis. Many of the younger women who have seen him perform claim to have received a thank-you picture of his genitals the same night.
“Jonathan Pitzer is fucking disgusting,” raved Amelia Vonn, avid fan and sophomore at CNJU. “I went out with some friends because they said the place we were going didn’t card. If I had known there was going to be some dude yelling gross shit at me and my friends, I never would have gone. And he sent one of my friends a dick pic! How did he even get her name? Ew!”
As comparisons we between Pitzer and D’Elia continue, some are wondering if there is a chance the superstar comedian may eventually contact this young novice to go on tour with him. For now, if you want to see Jonathan Pitzer live, his performance schedule is listed on the New Jersey Sex Offender’s Registry.
By Tyler Dark.
The Bringer 