The Bringer

Boise, ID — First-time open mic comedian Nate Ackerton had a precocious showing at his first open mic, offering pointers to female comics throughout the event before having even performed his own set, eye-rolling sources report.

“I’ve wanted to be a comic since I was a kid,” the 21-year-old Ackerton said over a Bud Light Lime. “Rogan, D’Elia, and of course my idol Louis C.K. — now those guys know jokes. I told this one chick at the mic that she should do more blowjob material and flash her tits a little more. I swear, she looked at me like I had just handed her the golden ticket to comedy. I’m not calling myself a hero, but it felt pretty good to be able to help out the scene right away like that.”

Fellow open mic comic Merissa Ortiz-Cramer said she was impressed by the speed with which Ackerton seemed to have picked up the typical behavior of other male comics in the scene, some of whom waited years to offer advice to any female comics.

“It was pretty astounding,” Ortiz-Cramer said, flipping casually through her comedy notebook, which contained ample highlights, marginalia, and proofreader’s marks. “The moment I stepped off the stage, there was this young guy I had never seen before. I didn’t even know he was a comic. I tried to get around him so I could leave for my customary post-set smoke, where I usually listen back to my recording and take notes so I can work on my material.”

“But this kid cornered me and started offering me advice on my jokes. It was amazing. Most dude comics wait years to tell me at a 1 AM open mic that they think periods are gross and I’m not funny. But it’s this wunderkind’s first night and, bam, he’s already handing out notes to all the ladies in the room. Pretty incredible what a difference one dude who listens to a lot of podcasts can make in a room containing at least one female comic.”

Local showcase booker Dominic Lowell booked Ackerton within moments of overhearing him offer unsolicited advice to the evening’s female performers.

“As soon as I heard Nate’s overconfident, unwelcome approach to the females, I knew he had the chops to guest for me and the boys at the local dives I book,” Lowell said, rubbing his gums an awful lot for some reason. “I mean, who does that on their first night? The kid’s a natural. His set was unremarkable, but who actually listens to comedy anymore?”

At press time, Ackerton was reportedly brainstorming ideas about how to write this piece because he reads Time magazine in his grandparents’ bathroom on occasion.

By Emma Jonas.

Baltimore, MD — Marcus Ashley, who proclaimed with bombast that he was “totally a stoner comedian” at his last open mic performance, is apparently the least frequent marijuana smoker at any given comedy showcase he appears on, sources confirmed.

“I got a huge bong in my room and I love lighting that thing up,” boasted Ashley in reference to a bubbler he has not touched since 2019. “Yeah, you could say I’m a bit of a stoner. My last sesh, which was a little over three weeks ago, was wild. I broke out the tube and hit it more times than I can count. Did I mention that I can only count to four?”

Less than amused by his cannabis-oriented material were the fellow comedians and consummate stoners on the lineup at a recent downtown showcase.

“Guy’s a fuckin’ poser,” declared Macy Oliver, who hosts a biweekly comedy variety show in the city and smokes no less than four grams of dried cannabis flower per day. “All he talks about is smoking weed and it’s like, yeah dude, everyone smokes weed. I’m half a blunt deep before I get out of bed in the afternoon, but you don’t hear me talking about it constantly.”

Ashley’s weed dealer was also quick to confirm the comedian’s lack of tolerance for cannabis consumption.

“I’ve never seen him hit the bowl without coughing like a bitch,” reported Kyle Ellander, who has not received a “hey bro u good rite now?” text message from Ashley in over a month. “He’s always way too gassed up to come over, gets really excited and kills the vibe. I used to smoke him up as a courtesy, but he’d get so high after one hit he kept forgetting to pay me. Literally the worst stoner, and probably the worst comedian ever.”

According to additional sources, Ashley was seen at a local pharmacy just days ago asking a sales associate if they sold eyedrops that made your eyes more red.

By Tyler Dark.

Olympia, WA ⁠— Open mic host Mason Hernandez recently restarted his comedy open mic at Shooty’s Brew Pub with new safety precautions in place requiring each comic to bring their own stool to hump.

“We desperately need live comedy to start coming back in Olympia,” said Hernandez, who had to discontinue his Zoom open mic after what he described as a few too many “Toobin-style” incidents. “Every Zoom mic either becomes a big shit-talk session or people start getting, you know, a little too comfy on the webcam. But we’re still playing it safe, so if you’re gonna hump a stool, which, let’s face it, you probably are, you have to bring one from home to prevent the spread of crotch-COVID.”

Shooty’s owner and front-of-house manager Ash Nesmith welcomes the extra business the weekly open mic brings, despite the extra work of enforcing safety precautions.

“A couple of these guys have asked to borrow barstools and I’m thinking I should charge them a fee,” she admitted of the increase in inanimate plus-ones. “I know it sounds harsh, but you should see the kind of nasty stuff they’re doing to this furniture on stage… we end up sweeping up the remains of notecards and pages torn from journals, scrawled with confounding sexual phrases like ‘condoms while fisting?,’ ‘one-night-stand smegma wrestling,’ and ‘upside-down dog fucker fantasy.’ And that’s not even the half of it.”

Open micer Brett Sternbauer said he was initially opposed to the new rule, citing, for some reason, the First Amendment, but he eventually came around to the requirement.

“It’s actually kind of nice having my own stool,” Sternbauer confessed while smoothing his hand over the stool’s taut leather seat. “I’ve made it my own. I put a little makeup on her.. er.. it, and I know no one else gets to touch it the way I do. She’s.. I mean, it’s become special to me. I still can’t get on any shows but at least I know I’ve got my sweet stool to comfort me at the end of the night, and I can use it for whatever I want — no holds barred.”

At press time, no new comedy-related COVID cases had been reported; however, local positive tests for gonnorhea were up over 250%.

By Emma Jonas.

Denver, CO — Nine comedians/audience members of a recent show at Squeezy’s Cafe in downtown Denver have been confirmed dead following an open mic event that, by all accounts, could have been much worse.

“This is truly a tragic loss which will be felt deeply by the local arts community for a long time,” said owner Barry Squeezemeister. “But that being said, all things considered, I think the show actually went pretty well. In general, I mean. We really waited until we could reopen as safely as possible before we decided to start having events again. But the way open mics go, there’s always going to be some collateral casualties somehow.”

Area stand-up comic and UberEats applicant Wendall Holmes reflected on his harrowing but still kinda okay experience at the open mic.

“It had been so long since I’d performed anywhere that I was really nervous to get up there,” commented Holmes while working out his brand new what’s-the-deal-with-candlelight-vigils bit. “Thankfully, everything seemed to work out fine in the end. Sure, it’s a bummer that all those guys died – if they hadn’t, I might have gained nine new Twitter followers. But at least the PA worked right for once, so all in all, not a bad show.”

Despite the so-so reception from Denver’s open mic community, some have criticized the recent event for causing what they see as undue fatalities.

“Goddammit,” exclaimed paramedic Rodney Copmston. “We go through this same shit after every open mic that gets put on in this city. We only have a limited number of ambulances available for emergency services and open mics stretch our resources even thinner! And for what? So some drunk nobody can try out their new Jack Nicholson impression? That’s not even a fresh reference! What a waste!”

At press time, Squeezy’s announced that all future open mic events would begin with an in-memoriam reel commemorating deceased attendees.

By James Knapp.

El Segundo, CA — In a courageous act of kindness that was at first assumed to be an elaborate bit, audience member Dr. Neelesh Bagrodia was lauded as a hero Wednesday night after administering the Heimlich maneuver to a choking comedian at Big Chillin’ LA’s weekly open mic.

Bagrodia’s medical knowledge became critically important when open mic regular and 8 Mile mega-fan Trevor Jansen began to feel like his “knees were weak” and his “arms were heavy” on stage as he kept on forgetting what he wrote down.

“When my opening line fell flat, I knew I was in trouble,” reported a grateful, albeit vomit-stained Jensen. “The rest of the words in my act seemed to fall right out of my head and onto my sweater. Every joke I had ever written was reduced to a metaphorical noodle in mom’s literal spaghetti. Thank goodness that doctor with the sexy name was there.”

Being a trained medical professional, Dr. Bagrodia was able to identify Jensen’s line of “I need a doctor!” as a legitimate cry for help and not an avant-garde bit; while the rest of the laypeople in the crowd paused for the punchline, Bagrodia sprung into action to assess the situation.

“How anyone thought he was trying to be funny is beyond my comprehension,” Bagrodia said of having saved a comedian from choking to death on an ice cube. “That young man was in clear, visible pain. His eyes were practically popping out of his head. I guess he was nervous, so he gulped down his water too quickly and some ice got lodged in his throat. I helped him out, but I suppose the ice would have melted in more than enough time anyway, which is, ironically, kind of funny when you think about it.”

While Bagrodia claimed he would have done the same for any comedian he saw choking, he did clarify that someone with an entirely different skill-set would be required to dismantle a bomb.

By Thomas Johnston.

Trenton, NJ — As COVID-19 restrictions continue to loosen nationwide, one comedy open mic is laying down the law by requiring masks at all times, with the unique exception of the performing comedian, a distinction passed around to each person in the cramped back room of Beauregard Tavern for five minutes at a time.

“People are rightfully concerned about their safety when going out to a public comedy night, and now with all this COVID stuff it’s like ten times worse,” said open mic host Bonzer Fonstock. “That’s why we have a strict policy: Nobody gets in without a mask. And the mask only comes off once you’re onstage… or if you have to yell at someone on the other side of the room, or if you have something really funny to say. Otherwise, no mask, no dice.”

“Legally I’m also supposed to make an exception for people seated at their tables with food or drinks,” Fonstock added. “But thankfully, there are no audience members and comics don’t spend money.”

While some local comedians are unhappy about the venue’s strict safety measures, they’re willing to comply if it means getting the chance to practice their craft.

“I mean, it’s all total fucking bullshit,” said amateur standup Tyler Pourche. “Their temperature gun broke, so they just started doing forehead pat downs at the door. But I’ll play along if it gets me some much needed stage therapy. Quarantine was the hardest six weeks of my life and I’m never going back. I’d rather die than spend another minute in my own head, and I’ll take a whole nursing home with me. Anyway, it’s like I tell people at my grocery store job: If you don’t want to get sick, just stay home.”

While not everyone was elated to follow unfamiliar regulations, the evening ultimately went off without a hitch, largely due to the entire group of offstage comedians listening from outside.

By Tom Peters.

When I first met Tyler, I was so excited. He was a stand-up comedian and he was so funny. (Funny guys are such a turn-on!) When he met my friends, he would make jokes and they all totally loved him. And it seemed like he had a little joke for everyone he saw on the street. There was nothing this man couldn’t make funny!

The first time I saw him do stand-up comedy, I thought it was great! I mean it wasn’t really my style of humor, and frankly, I was surprised to hear his candid exploits about women he’s slept with and his descriptive stories about anal sex. But everyone else was laughing, so I figured that maybe I just didn’t get it!

Well after a year of being together, Tyler is still super funny. Like all the time. He hasn’t slowed down a bit. When we’re watching a show that I like, he’s good for a two-minute monologue on every character. I don’t really laugh anymore but he just keeps on going like I’m not even there. I once asked him to just let me watch the show in peace, and he made a ‘nagging wife’ joke. I know he was just being funny, but it felt weaponized.

Sometimes I’m not sure where the joking ends and Tyler begins. Like when he’s talking to me, I can’t tell if he’s being serious or working out a bit. The other day, I was explaining my Dad’s colon cancer operation and I could just tell he was writing jokes in his head. I guess I should appreciate that he doesn’t actually say the joke, but I know the face he makes when he’s trying to be funny, because it is literally the only face I’ve ever seen him make.

I hadn’t seen his live act in a while, so my friends and I recently decided to surprise him at a show. Well apparently, I’ve made it into his act. I guess I should be excited that an accomplished comic uses me as a muse, but I think I would have kept the embarrassing events of sex after too much Mexican food between us. But my friends all laughed… I guess that’s pretty cool…

In the end, I feel lucky to have him. Sure, my boyfriend can’t go five minutes without some attempt at observational humor and looks at everything in this world, including me, like some sort of zoo exhibit. But he could be a boring banker with actual definable human emotions that aren’t buried beneath a weird trauma detachment mechanism. And who would want that snoozefest? Not me…

Christ, I hope he doesn’t read this. This will probably end up in his set.

By Ryan Danley.

Dover, DE — Heavy drinker of sixteen years and comedian of three months Jeff LaRoux was ecstatic to discover that there is such a thing in the world of stand-up as “drink minimums.”

“This shit keeps getting better,” LaRoux belched. “Normally when I go out somewhere, they tell me to stop drinking after a certain point, so I’m more used to drink maximums, if you will. They’ve even got my picture up at some places to let staff know I can’t drink anything! And the whole time, all I had to do was tell some jokes for people to make me have at least two drinks? Shit, don’t threaten me with a good time!”

LaRoux’s friend Thomas Albertson, who had encouraged him to try the performing arts as an escape from an otherwise damaging lifestyle, now worries that his suggestion may have backfired.

“What a disaster,” said an exasperated Albertson of LaRoux’s most recent performance. “I tried to explain to him that the drink minimums were for the customers, not the comics, but then he started offering to drink up people’s minimums for them. I understand some comedians wanting to loosen up with a drink before a show, but Jeff’s already three deep by the time he gets out of bed. He’s had all the social lubrication anyone could need, or for that matter, survive.”

Perhaps unlike his friends, the comedians who have worked with LaRoux in his short tenure have expressed appreciation for easing some of what they consider a burden to the industry.

“That guy is fuckin’ wild,” commented Jacklyn Armstrong, who recently had to follow LaRoux at a sold-out comedy show. “He bought most of the tickets to the show just so he could say he had no choice but to drink fifty eight drinks. I love it; we can say we sold all the tickets, and nobody has to worry about whether or not they have had enough drinks, because this one absolute tank of a man has it covered.”

Additional sources confirmed that while LaRoux was undeniably excited about “drink minimums,” he practically shrieked with joy when they told him about “drink tickets.”

By Tyler Dark.

Virginia Beach, VA – In front of a 6th grade class at Andrew Jackson Middle School II in Virginia Beach, stand-up comedian and subpar father Monty Johnson decided to end his Career Day presentation with a real haymaker about anal sex.

“I did probably seven, eight minutes,” claimed Johnson of his speech that was mostly X-rated jokes he’d only previously told on Zoom. “Those kids were a tough crowd, bunch of stone-faced litte fuckers. I think I got through to them though. Would have gone better if the teacher lady hadn’t fucked up my intro! How does she expect to teach kids if she doesn’t know how to say, ‘founder of Dongcast?’”

The entire consensus of the school’s staff as well as all other persons in attendance was that Johnson’s material was ”less than appropriate” for a children’s educational setting.

“He treated it like a one A.M., dive bar open mic set,” recounted Rayna Lopez, a horrified teacher’s assistant who was present for the Career Day debacle. “He started off the presentation with what he called ‘some light crowd work’ and then proceeded to ask one of the students ‘if their balls had dropped yet.’ The poor kid cried until recess. I don’t see us having Career Day ever again after this.”

Johnson’s presentation had been preceded by an accountant, a warehouse manager, a custom Etsy vase seller and a lawyer, all of whom managed to make it through their speeches without once mentioning anal sex.

“Listen, I’m not what you’d call easily offended,” claimed Tom Sheppard, a real estate agent and new anti-comedy advocate. “I don’t scare easy, and I have a stomach for most things when it comes to jokes. But there’s a time and place, and a Language Arts classroom at 9:35 AM is neither the time nor place for long-winded exploits about butt sex. I could hardly stand to look at the poster of Bill Nye with the caption, “There’s SCIENCE Inside YOU!”

Johnson later added that he is excited for emcees to bring him on stage as someone who does clubs, colleges, middle schools, and occasionally principal’s offices around the country.

By Chris Hudson.

You know folks, something’s been on my mind lately, and maybe you’ve seen this too. Have you ever noticed these guys who call themselves comedians who won’t stop talking about me? These hack losers who think they’re the voice of a generation and who can’t seem to keep my name out of their mouths?

Hey, I know I’m nothing to write home about. I’m no filet with asparagus, okay? Hell, I’m usually just some peanuts or crackers with your choice from a limited selection of soft drinks. So why have these unshaven, mediocre white men made me their premiere topic of conversation?

Do I even cross people’s minds that often? Before these unfunny talent vacuums made me a household name, I was a very minor detail in people’s lives. I was surprised to learn that people thought about me at all! But as it turns out, you’ve all been silently regarding how bland I am! Fly first class if you want flavor, you ungrateful pricks!

You know what’s even funnier than me? Airport food! That shit is fifty yards away from me most of the time and let me tell you, the jokes practically write themselves. And not just the restaurants! People drop forty seven dollars on a snow globe and a bottle of water at these souvenir shops, then they can’t bring either on the plane because it’s too much fluid. That’s ridiculous! How have we not pivoted to jokes about that?

And don’t think that I can’t take a joke either, because I am very capable of laughing at myself. So why don’t any of the funny comedians have anything to say about me? It’s either a dumpy thirty-something in pajamas or a puppet-looking guy wearing a suit, asking, “What’s the deal with me?” Motherfucker, what’s the deal with you?

By Tyler Dark.